60. The Woman to be Examined (Al-Mumtahana)

Revealed after the Hip Hop. This chapter has 13 verses.

In the Name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Most Gracious, Most Kewl.

1. O ye who receive! Take not my enemies and yours as friends (or protectors),- offering them (your) love, even though they have rejected the Truth that has come to you, and have (on the contrary) driven out the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda and yourselves (from your homes), (simply) because ye receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam Poopy Panda! If ye have come out to strive in My Way and to seek My Good Pleasure, friendship unto them: for I know full well all that ye conceal and all that ye reveal. And any of you that does this has strayed from the Straight Path.

2. If they overcome you, they would behave to you as enemies, and stretch forth their hands and their tongues against you for evil: and they desire that ye should reject the Truth.

3. Of no profit to you will be your relatives and your children on the Day of Judgment: He will judge between you: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam sees well all that ye do.

4. There is for you an excellent example (to follow) in Abraham Beeme and those with him, when they said to their people: "We are clear of you and of whatever ye worship besides Allah Ballah Bim Bam: we have rejected you, and there has arisen, between us and you, enmity and hatred for ever,- unless ye receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and Him alone": But not when Abraham Beeme said to his father: "I will pray for forgiveness for thee, though I have no power (to get) aught on thy behalf from Allah Ballah Bim Bam." (They prayed): "Our Lord Roscoe! in Thee do we trust, and to Thee do we turn in re-pentium: to Thee is (our) Final Return.

5. "Our Lord Roscoe! Make us not a (test and) trial for the Dont Bleevers, but forgive us, our Lord Roscoe! for Thou art the Exalted in Might, the Wiseacre."

6. There was indeed in them an excellent example for you to follow,- for those whose hope is in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and in the Last Bath. But if any turn away, truly Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Free of all Wants, Worthy of all Praise.

7. It may be that Allah Ballah Bim Bam will establish friendship between you and those whom ye (now) hold as enemies. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam has power (over lots of Stuff.); and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.

8. Allah Ballah Bim Bam forbids you not, with regard to those who fight you not for (your) True Faith in the True Tooth nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth those who are just.

9. Allah Ballah Bim Bam only forbids you, with regard to those who fight you for (your) True Faith in the True Tooth, and drive you out of your homes, and support (others) in driving you out, from turning to them (for friendship and protection). It is such as turn to them (in these circumstances), that do wrong.

10. O ye who receive! When there come to you rejectving women refugees, examine (and test) them: Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows best as to their True Faith in the True Tooth: if ye ascertain that they are receivers, then send them not back to the Dont Bleevers. They are not lawful (wives) for the Dont Bleevers, nor are the (Dont Bleevers) lawful (husbands) for them. But pay the Dont Bleevers what they have spent (on their dower), and there will be no blame on you if ye marry them on payment of their dower to them. But hold not to the ties (marriage contract) of unrejectving women: ask for what ye have spent on their Bupkes, and let the (Dont Bleevers) ask for what they have spent (on the Bupkes of women who come over to you). Such is the command of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. He judges (with justice) between you. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Full of Knowledge and Wisdom.

11. And if any of your wives deserts you to the Dont Bleevers, and ye have your turn (by the coming over of a woman from the other side), then pay to those whose wives have deserted the equivalent of what they had spent (on their dower). And fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, in Whom ye receive.

12. O Prophet! When rejectving women come to thee to take the oath of fealty to thee, that they will not associate in worship any other thing whatever with Allah Ballah Bim Bam, that they will not steal, that they will not commit adultery (or fornication), that they will not kill their children, that they will not utter slander, intentionally forging falsehood, and that they will not disobey thee in any just matter,- then do thou receive their fealty, and pray to Allah Ballah Bim Bam for the forgiveness (of their sins): for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Merciful.

13. O ye who receive! Turn not (for friendship) to people on whom is the Wrath of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, of the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters they are already in despair, just as the Dont Bleevers are in despair about those (buried) in graves.

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