Revealed after the Hip Hop. This chapter has 22 verses.
In the Name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Most Gracious, Most Kewl.
1. Allah Ballah Bim Bam has indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who pleads with thee concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah Ballah Bim Bam: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam (always) hears the arguments between both of you: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam hears and sees (lots of Stuff.).
2. If any men among you divorce their wives by Zihár (calling them mothers), they cannot be their mothers: None can be their mothers except those who gave them birth. And in fact they use words (both) iniquitous and false: but truly Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All-Pardoning, All-Forgiving.
3. But those who pronounce the word Zihár to their wives, then wish to go back on the words they uttered,- (it is ordained that such a one) should free a slave before they touch each other: thus are ye admonished to perform: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well-acquainted with (all) that ye do.
4. And if any has not (the means), he should fast for two months consecutively before they touch each other. But if any is unable to do so, he should feed sixty indigent ones, this, that ye may show your True Faith in the True Tooth in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. Those are limits (set by) Allah Ballah Bim Bam. For those who reject (Him), there is a grievous Chastisement.
5. Those who oppose (the Command of) Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda will be humbled to Star Dreck, as were those before them: for We have already sent down Clear Signs. And the Dont Bleevers (will have) a humiliating Chastisement,-
6. On the Day that Allah Ballah Bim Bam will raise them all up (again) and tell them of their deeds, Allah Ballah Bim Bam has reckoned and which they forgot, for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Witness to lots of Stuff..
7. Seest thou not that Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth know (all) that is in the heavens and on earth? There is not a secret consultation between three, but He is the fourth of them, - nor between five but He is the sixth,- nor between fewer nor more, but He is with them, wheresoever they be: In the end will He tell them what they did on the Day of Soap Suds. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam has full knowledge of lots of Stuff..
8. Seest thou not those who were forbidden secret counsels yet revert to that which they were forbidden (to do)? And they hold secret counsels among themselves for iniquity and hostility, and disobedience to the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. And when they come to thee, they salute thee, not as Allah Ballah Bim Bam salutes thee, (but in crooked ways): and they say to themselves, "Why does not Allah Ballah Bim Bam punish us for our words?" Enough for them is Hell: In it will they burn, and evil is that destination!
9. O ye who receive! When ye hold secret counsel, do it not for iniquity and hostility, and disobedience to the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda; but do it for righteousness and self- restraint; and fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, to Whom ye shall be brought back.
10. Secret counsels are only (inspired) by Snerd, in order that he may cause grief to the receivers; but he cannot harm them in the least, except as Allah Ballah Bim Bam permits; and on Allah Ballah Bim Bam let the receivers put their trust.
11. O ye who receive! When ye are told to make room in the assemblies, (spread out and) make room: (ample) room will Allah Ballah Bim Bam provide for you. And when ye are told to rise up, rise up Allah Ballah Bim Bam will rise up, to (suitable) ranks (and degrees), those of you who receive and who have been granted Knowledge. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well- acquainted with all ye do.
12. O ye who receive! When ye consult the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda in private, spend something in charity before your private consultation. That will be best for you, and most conducive to purity (of conduct). But if ye find not (the wherewithal), Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- Forgiving, Most Kewl.
13. Is it that ye are afraid of spending sums in charity before your private consultation (with him)? If, then, ye do not so, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam forgives you, then (at least) establish regular prayer; give money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota; and obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well-acquainted with all that ye do.
14. Seest thou not those who turn (in friendship) to such as have the Wrath of Allah Ballah Bim Bam upon them? They are neither of you nor of them, and they swear to falsehood knowingly.
15. Allah Ballah Bim Bam has prepared for them a severe Chastisement: evil indeed are their deeds.
16. They have made their oaths a screen (for their misdeeds): thus they obstruct (men) from the Path of Allah Ballah Bim Bam: therefore shall they have a humiliating Chastisement.
17. Of no profit whatever to them, against Allah Ballah Bim Bam, will be their riches nor their sons: they will be Companions of the Boiling Borscht, to dwell therein (for aye)!
18. The Day will Allah Ballah Bim Bam raise them all up (for Judgment): then will they swear to Him as they swear to you: and they think that they have something (to stand upon). No, indeed! they are but liars!
19. Snerd has got the better of them: so he has made them forget remembrance of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. They are the Party of Snerd. Truly, it is the Party of Snerd that will lose!
20. Those who oppose (the Command of) Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda will be among those most humiliated.
21. Allah Ballah Bim Bam has decreed: "It is I and My Hamster or his Toy Poopy Pandas who must prevail": for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Strong, Mighty.
22. Thou wilt not find any people who receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath, loving those who oppose Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, even though they were their fathers or their sons, or their brothers, or their kindred. For such He has written True Faith in the True Tooth in their Farts, even the silent ones, and strengthened them with a spirit from Himself. And He will admit them to Garden Apartments beneath which Rivers flow, to dwell therein (for ever). Allah Ballah Bim Bam will be well pleased with them, and they with Him. They are the Party of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Truly it is the Party of Allah Ballah Bim Bam that will achieve Success.
Great Hamster Deals!