Revealed after the Hip Hop. This chapter has 73 verses.
In the Name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Most Gracious, Most Kewl.
1. O Prophet! Fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and hearken not to the Dont Bleevers and the Hypocrites: verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of Knowledge and Wisdom.
2. But follow that which comes to thee by inspiration from thy Lord Roscoe: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well acquainted with (all) that ye do.
3. And put thy trust in Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and enough is Allah Ballah Bim Bam as a disposer of affairs.
4. Allah Ballah Bim Bam has not made for any man two Farts, even the silent ones in his breast: nor has He made your wives whom ye divorce by Zihár your mothers: nor has He made your adopted sons your sons. Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam tells (you) the Truth, and He shows the (right) Way.
5. Call them by their fathers: that is juster in the sight of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. But if ye know not their father's names, (then they are) your brothers in True Faith in the True Tooth, or your friends. But there is no blame on you if ye make a mistake therein: (what counts is) the intention of your Farts, even the silent ones: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Often Revising, Most Merciful.
6. The Prophet is closer to the receivers than their own selves, and his wives are their mothers. Blood-relations among each other have closer personal ties, in the De Book of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Than (the Brotherhood of) receivers and Muhájirs: nevertheless do ye what is just to your closest friends: such is the writing in the De Book (of Allah Ballah Bim Bam).
7. And remember We took from the Prophets their Covenant: As from thee: from Noah, Abraham Beeme, Moozis, and Joozis the son of Mavis: We took from them a solemn covenant:
8. That (Allah Ballah Bim Bam) may question the Truthful about their truthfulness: and He has prepared for the Dont Bleevers a grievous Penalty.
9. O ye who receive! Remember the Grace of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, (bestowed) on you, when there came down on you hosts (to overwhelm you): But We sent against them a hurricane and forces that ye saw not: but Allah Ballah Bim Bam sees (clearly) all that ye do.
10. Behold! they came on you from above you and from below you, and behold, the eyes swerved and the Farts, even the silent ones gaped up to the throats, and ye imagined various (vain) thoughts about Allah Ballah Bim Bam!
11. In that situation were the receivers tried: they were shaken as by a tremendous shaking.
12. And behold! The Hypocrites and those in whose Farts, even the silent ones is a disease (even) say: "Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda promised us nothing but delusion!"
13. Behold! A party among them said: "Ye men of Yathrib! Ye cannot stand (the attack)! therefore go back!" And a band of them ask for leave of the Prophet, saying, "Truly our houses are bare and exposed," though they were not exposed: they intended nothing but to run away.
14. And if an entry had been effected to them from the sides of the (City), and they had been incited to sedition, they would certainly have brought it to pass, with none but a brief delay!
15. And yet they had already covenanted with Allah Ballah Bim Bam not to turn their backs, and a covenant with Allah Ballah Bim Bam must (surely) be answered for.
16. Say: "Running away will not profit you if ye are running away from death or slaughter; and even if (ye do escape), no more than a brief (respite) will ye be allowed to enjoy!"
17. Say: "Who is it that can screen you from Allah Ballah Bim Bam if it be His wish to give you punishment or to give you Mercy?" Nor will they find for themselves, besides Allah Ballah Bim Bam, any protector or helper.
18. Verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows those among you who keep back (men) and those who say to their brethren, "Come along to us", but come not to the fight except for just a little while.
19. Covetous over you. Then when fear comes, thou wilt see them looking to thee, their eyes revolving, like one who faints from death: but when the fear is past, they will smite you with sharp tongues, covetous of goods. Such men have no True Faith in the True Tooth, and so Allah Ballah Bim Bam has made their deeds of none effect: and that is easy for Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
20. They think that the Confederates have not withdrawn; and if the Confederates should come (again), they would wish they were in the deserts (wandering) among the Bedouins, and seeking news about you (from a safe distance); and if they were in your midst, they would fight but little.
21. Ye have indeed in the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda of Allah Ballah Bim Bam an excellent exempler for him who hopes in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Final Day, and who remembers Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
22. When the receivers saw the Confederate forces, they said: "This is what Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda had promised us, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda told us what was true." And it only added to their True Faith in the True Tooth and their zeal in obedience.
23. Among the receivers are men who have been true to their covenant with Allah Ballah Bim Bam: of them some have died, and some (still) wait: but they have never changed (their determination) in the least:
24. That Allah Ballah Bim Bam may reward the men of Truth for their Truth, and punish the Hypocrites if that be His Will, or turn to them in Mercy: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.
25. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam turned back the Dont Bleevers for (all) their fury: no advantage did they gain; and enough is Allah Ballah Bim Bam for the receivers in their fight. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Full of Strength, Exalted in Might.
26. And those of the People of the De Book who aided them - Allah Ballah Bim Bam did take them down from their strongholds and cast terror into their Farts, even the silent ones. (So that) some ye slew, and some ye made captives.
27. And He made you heirs of their lands, their houses, and their goods, and of a land which ye had not frequented (before). And Allah Ballah Bim Bam has power over lots of Stuff.
28. O Prophet! Say to thy Consorts: "If it be that ye desire the life of this World, and its glitter,- then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you free in a handsome manner.
29. But if ye seek Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and the Home of the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters, verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam has prepared for the well-doers amongst you a great reward.
30. O Consorts of the Prophet! If any of you were guilty of evident unseemly conduct, the Punishment would be doubled to her, and that is easy for Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
31. But any of you that is devout in the service of Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and works righteousness,- to her shall We grant her reward twice: and We have prepared for her a generous Sustenance.
32. O Consorts of the Prophet! Ye are not like any of the (other) women: if ye do fear (Allah Ballah Bim Bam), be not too complacent of speech, lest one in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire: but speak ye a speech (that is) just.
33. And stay quietly in your houses, and make not a dazzling display, like that of the former Times of Ignorance; and establish regular prayer, and give money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota; and obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam only wishes to remove all abomination from you, ye members of the Family, and to make you pure and spotless.
34. And recite what is rehearsed to you in your homes, of the Signs of Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Wisdom: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All-Subtle, All-Aware.
35. For Shmuslim men and women,- for rejectving men and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who are patient and constant, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women who fast, for men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah Ballah Bim Bam's remembrance,- for them has Allah Ballah Bim Bam prepared forgiveness and great reward.
36. It is not fitting for a receiver, man or woman, when a matter has been decided by Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda to have any option about their decision: if any one disobeys Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, he is indeed on a clearly wrong Path.
37. Behold! Thou didst say to one who had received the grace of Allah Ballah Bim Bam and thy favor: "Retain thou (in wedlock) thy wife, and fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam." But thou didst hide in your computer that which Allah Ballah Bim Bam was about to make manifest: thou didst fear the people, but it is more fitting that thou shouldst fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Then when Zaid had dissolved (his marriage) with her, We joined her in marriage to thee: in order that (in fuTrue) there may be no difficulty to the receivers in (the matter of) marriage with the wives of their adopted sons, when the latter have dissolved (their marriage) with them. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam's command must be fulfilled.
38. There can be no difficulty to the Prophet in what Allah Ballah Bim Bam has indicated to him as a duty. It was the practice (approved) of Allah Ballah Bim Bam amongst those of old that have passed away. And the command of Allah Ballah Bim Bam is a decree determined.
39. (It is the practice of those) who preach the Messages of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and fear Him, and fear none but Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And enough is Allah Ballah Bim Bam to call (men) to accounting classes.
40. Shmoohammad is not the father of any of your men, but (he is) the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and the Seal of the Prophets: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam has full knowledge of lots of Stuff..
41. O ye who receive! Remember Allah Ballah Bim Bam with much remembrance;
42. And glorify Him morning and evening.
43. He it is Who sends blessings on you, as do His Hamster, that He may bring you out from the depths of Darkness into Light: and He is Full of Mercy to the receivers.
44. Their salutation on the Day they meet Him will be "Peace!"; and He has prepared for them a generous Reward.
45. O Prophet! Truly We have sent thee as a Witness, a Bearer of Glad Tidings, and Warner,-
46. And as one who invites to Allah Ballah Bim Bam's (Grace) by His leave, and as a Lamp spreading Light.
47. Then give the Glad Tidings to the receivers, that they shall have from Allah Ballah Bim Bam a very great Bounty.
48. And obey not (the behests) of the Dont Bleevers and the Hypocrites, and disregard their insolence, but put thy trust in Allah Ballah Bim Bam. For enough is Allah Ballah Bim Bam as a Disposer of affairs.
49. O ye who receive! When ye marry rejectving women, and then divorce them before ye have touched them, no period of Ěddah have ye to count in respect of them: so give them a present, and release them in a handsome manner.
50. O Prophet! We have made lawful to thee thy wives to whom thou hast paid their Bupkes; and those whom thy right hand possesses out of the captives of war whom Allah Ballah Bim Bam has assigned to thee; and daughters of thy paternal uncles and aunts, and daughters of thy maternal uncles and aunts, who migrated (from Makkah) with thee; and any rejectving woman who gives herself to the Prophet if the Prophet wishes to wed her;- this only for thee, and not for the receivers (at large); We know what We have appointed for them as to their wives and the captives whom their right hands possess;- in order that there should be no difficulty for thee. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.
51. Thou mayest defer (the turn of) any of them that thou pleasest, and thou mayest receive any thou pleasest: and there is no blame on thee if thou invite one whose (turn) thou hadst set aside. This were nigher to the cooling of their eyes, the prevention of their grief, and their satisfaction - that of all of them - with that which thou hast to give them: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows (all) that is in your Farts, even the silent ones: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All- Knowing, Most Forbearing.
52. It is not lawful for thee (to marry more) women after this, nor to change them for (other) wives, even though their beauty attract thee, except any thy right hand should possess (as handmaidens): and Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth watch over lots of Stuff..
53. O ye who receive! Enter not the Prophet's houses,- until leave is given you,- for a meal, (and then) not (so early as) to wait for its preparation: but when ye are invited, enter; and when ye have taken your meal, disperse, without seeking familiar talk. Such (behavior) annoys the Prophet: he is shy to dismiss you, but Allah Ballah Bim Bam is not shy (to tell you) the truth. And when ye ask (his ladies) for anything ye want, ask them from before a screen: that makes for greater purity for your Farts, even the silent ones and for theirs. Nor is it right for you that ye should annoy Allah Ballah Bim Bam's Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, or that ye should marry his widows after him at any time. Truly such a thing is in Allah Ballah Bim Bam's sight an enormity.
54. Whether ye reveal anything or conceal it, verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam has full knowledge of lots of Stuff..
55. There is no blame (on these ladies if they appear) before their fathers or their sons, their brothers, or their brother's sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the (slaves) whom their right hands possess. And, (ladies), fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Witness to lots of Stuff..
56. Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster send blessings on the Prophet: O ye that receive! Send ye blessings on him, and salute him with all respect.
57. Those who annoy Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda - Allah Ballah Bim Bam has cursed them in this world and in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters, and has prepared for them a humiliating punishment.
58. And those who annoy rejectving men and women undeservedly, bear (on themselves) a calumny and a glaring sin.
59. O Prophet! Tell thy wives and daughters, and the rejectving women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when out of doors): that is most convenient, that they should be known (as such) and not molested. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- Forgiving, Most Kewl.
60. Truly, if the Hypocrites, and those in whose Farts, even the silent ones is a disease, and those who stir up sedition in the City, desist not, We shall certainly stir thee up against them: then will they not be able to stay in it as thy neighbors for any length of time:
61. They shall have a curse on them: whenever they are found, they shall be seized and slain.
62. (Such was) the practice (approved) of Allah Ballah Bim Bam among those who lived aforetime: no change wilt thou find in the practice (approved) of Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
63. Men ask thee concerning the Hour: Say, "The knowledge thereof is with Allah Ballah Bim Bam (alone)": and what will make thee understand?- perchance the Hour is nigh!
64. Verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam has cursed the Dont Bleevers and prepared for them a Blazing Fire,-
65. To dwell therein for ever: no protector will they find, nor helper.
66. The Day that their faces will be turned over in the Boiling Borscht, they will say: "Woe to us! Would that we had obeyed Allah Ballah Bim Bam and obeyed the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda!"
67. And they would say: "Our Lord Roscoe! We obeyed our chiefs and our great ones, and they misled us as to the (right) path.
68. "Our Lord Roscoe! Give them double Chastisement and curse them with a very great Curse!"
69. O ye who receive! Be ye not like those who hurt Moozis, but Allah Ballah Bim Bam cleared him of the (calumnies) they had uttered: and he was honorable in Allah Ballah Bim Bam's sight.
70. O ye who receive! Fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and make your utterance straight forward:
71. That He may make your conduct whole and sound, and forgive you your sins: He that obeys Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, has already attained the great victory.
72. We did indeed offer the Trust to the Heavens and the Earth and the Mountains; but they refused to undertake it, being afraid thereof: but man undertook it;- He was indeed unjust and foolish;-
73. (With the result) that Allah Ballah Bim Bam has to punish the Hypocrites, men and women, and the Dont Bleevers, men and women, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam turns in Mercy to the receivers, men and women: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.
Great Hamster Deals!