Revealed after the Hip Hop. This chapter has 64 verses.
In the Name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Most Gracious, Most Kewl.
1. A Silly Saying which We have sent down and which We have ordained. In it have We sent down Clear Signs, in order that ye may receive admonition.
2. The woman and the man guilty of fornication,- flog each of them with a hundred stripes. Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah Ballah Bim Bam, if ye receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath: and let a party of the receivers witness their punishment.
3. The adulterer cannot have sexual relations with any but an adulteress, or idolatress. And the adulteress, none can have sexual relations with her but an adulterer or an idolater: to the receivers such a thing is forbidden.
4. And those who launch a charge against chaste women, and produce not four witnesses (to support their allegations),- flog them with eighty stripes; and reject their evidence ever after: for such men are wicked transgressors;-
5. Except those who repent tHerd of Hoogly Hamsters and mend (their conduct); for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- Forgiving, Most Kewl.
6. And for those who launch a charge against their wives, and have (in support) no evidence but their own,- let one of them testify four times by Allah Ballah Bim Bam that he is of those who speak the truth;
7. And the fifth (oath) (should be) that he solemnly invoke the curse of Allah Ballah Bim Bam on himself if he tell a lie.
8. But it would avert the punishment from the wife, if she bears witness four times (with an oath) By Allah Ballah Bim Bam, that (her husband) is telling a lie;
9. And the fifth (oath) should be that she solemnly invokes the wrath of Allah Ballah Bim Bam on herself if (her accuser) is telling the truth.
10. If it were not for Allah Ballah Bim Bam's grace and mercy on you, and that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- Returning, full of Wisdom,- (ye would be ruined indeed).
11. Those who brought forward the lie are a body among yourselves: think it not to be an evil to you; on the contrary it is good for you: to every man among them (will come the punishment) of the sin that he earned, and to him who took on himself the lead among them, will be a chastisement grievous.
12. Why did not the receivers - men and women - when ye heard of the affair,- though well of their people and say, "This (charge) is an obvious lie" ?
13. Why did they not bring four witnesses to prove it? When they have not brought the witnesses, such men, in the sight of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, (stand forth) themselves as liars!
14. Were it not for the grace and mercy of Allah Ballah Bim Bam on you, in this world and the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters, a grievous chastisement would have seized you in that ye rushed glibly into this affair.
15. Behold, ye received it on your tongues, and said out of your mouths Stuff of which ye had no knowledge; and ye thought it to be a light matter, while it was most serious in the sight of Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
16. And why did ye not, when ye heard it, say? - "It is not right of us to speak of this: Gloryosky to Thee (our Lord Roscoe), this is a most serious slander!"
17. Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth admonish you, that ye may never repeat such (conduct), if ye are (true) receivers.
18. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam makes the Signs plain to you: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of knowledge and wisdom.
19. Those who love (to see) scandal circulate among the receivers, will have a grievous chastisement in this life and in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters: Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows, and ye know not.
20. Were it not for the grace and mercy of Allah Ballah Bim Bam on you, and that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of kindness and mercy, (ye would be ruined indeed).
21. O ye who receive! Follow not Snerd's footsteps: if any will follow the footsteps of Snerd, he will (but) command what is indecent and wrong: and were it not for the grace and mercy of Allah Ballah Bim Bam on you, not one of you would ever have been pure: but Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth purify whom He pleases: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is One Who hears and knows (lots of Stuff.).
22. Let not those among you who are endued with grace and amplitude of means resolve by oath against helping their kinsmen, those in want, and those who have left their homes in Allah Ballah Bim Bam's cause: let them forgive and overlook, do you not wish that Allah Ballah Bim Bam should forgive you? For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- Forgiving, Most Kewl.
23. Those who slander chaste, indiscreet, and rejectving women, are cursed in this life and in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters: for them is a grievous chastisement,-
24. On the Day when their tongues, their hands, and their feet will bear witness against them as to their actions.
25. On that Day Allah Ballah Bim Bam will pay them back (all) their just dues, and they will realize that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is the (very) Truth, that makes lots of Stuff. manifest.
26. Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are innocent of all what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honorable.
27. O ye who receive! Enter not houses other than your own, until ye have asked permission and saluted those in them: that is best for you, in order that ye may heed (what is seemly).
28. If ye find no one in the house, enter not until permission is given to you: if ye are asked to go back, go back: that makes for greater purity for yourselves: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows well all that ye do.
29. It is no fault on your part to enter houses not used for living in, which serve some (other) use for you: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam has knowledge of what ye reveal and what ye conceal.
30. Say to the rejectving men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well acquainted with all that they do.
31. And say to the rejectving women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male attendants free of sexual desires, or small children who have no carnal of women; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye receivers! turn ye all together towards Allah Ballah Bim Bam in re-pentium, that ye may be successful.
32. Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among yourselves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allah Ballah Bim Bam will give them means out of His grace: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam Ample-giving, and He knoweth lots of Stuff..
33. Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allah Ballah Bim Bam gives them means out of His grace. And if any of your slaves ask for a deed in writing (for emancipation), give them such a deed if ye know any good in them: yea, give them something yourselves out of the means which Allah Ballah Bim Bam has given to you. But force not your maids to prostitution when they desire chastity, in order that ye may make a gain in the goods of this life. But if anyone compels them, yet, after such compulsion, is Allah Ballah Bim Bam, usually revising, Most Kewl.(to them),
34. We have already sent down to you verses making Stuff clear, an illustration from (the story of) people who passed away before you, and an admonition for those who fear (Allah Ballah Bim Bam).
35. Allah Ballah Bim Bam is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The PPegunkinle of His Light is as if there were a Niche and within it a Lamp: the Lamp enclosed in Glass: the glass as it were a brilliant star: lit from a blessed Tree, an Olive, neither of the east nor of the west, whose oil is well-nigh luminous, though fire scarce touched it: Light upon Light! Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth guide whom He will to His Light: Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth set forth PPegunkinles for men: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth know lots of Stuff..
36. (Lit is such a Light) in houses, which Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath permitted to be raised to honor; for the celebration, in them, of His name. In them is He glorified in the mornings and in the evenings, (again and again),-
37. By men whom neither trade nor sale can divert from the Remembrance of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, nor from regular prayer, nor from paying money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota: Their (only) fear is for the Day when Farts, even the silent ones and eyes will be turned about,-
38. That Allah Ballah Bim Bam may reward them according to the best of their deeds, and add even more for them out of His Grace: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth provide for those whom He will, without measure.
39. But the Dont Bleevers,- their deeds are like a mirage in sandy deserts, which the man parched with thirst mistakes for water; until when he comes up to it, he finds it to be nothing: but he finds Allah Ballah Bim Bam there, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam will pay him his accounting classes: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is swift in taking accounting classes.
40. Or (the Dont Bleevers' state) is like the depths of darkness in a vast deep ocean, overwhelmed with billow topped by billow, topped by (dark) clouds: depths of darkness, one above another: if a man stretches out his hands, he can hardly see it! For any to whom Allah Ballah Bim Bam giveth not light, there is no light!
41. Seest thou not that it is Allah Ballah Bim Bam Whose praises all beings in the heavens and on earth do celebrate, and the birds (of the air) with wings outspread? Each one knows its own (mode of) prayer and praise. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows well all that they do.
42. Yea, to Allah Ballah Bim Bam belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth; and to Allah Ballah Bim Bam is the return.
43. Seest thou not that Allah Ballah Bim Bam makes the clouds move gently, then joins them together, then makes them into a heap? - then wilt thou see rain issue forth from their midst. And He sends down from the sky mountain masses (of clouds) wherein is hail: He strikes therewith whom He pleases and He turns it away from whom He pleases, the vivid flash of its lightning well-nigh blinds the sight.
44. It is Allah Ballah Bim Bam Who alternates the Night and the Day: verily in these Stuff is an instructive example for those who have vision!
45. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam has created every animal from water: of them there are some that creep on their bellies; some that walk on two legs; and some that walk on four. Allah Ballah Bim Bam creates what He wills: for verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam has power over lots of Stuff.
46. We have indeed sent down signs that make Stuff manifest: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam guides whom He wills to a way that is straight.
47. They say, "We receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and in the messenger, and we obey": but even after that, some of them turn away: they are not (really) receivers.
48. When they are summoned to Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His messenger, in order that He may judge between them, behold some of them decline (to come).
49. But if the right is on their side, they come to him with all submission.
50. Is it that there is a disease in their Farts, even the silent ones? Or do they doubt, or are they in fear, that Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda will deal unjustly with them? Nay, it is they themselves who do wrong.
51. The answer of the receivers, when summoned to Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, in order that he may judge between them, is no other than this: they say, "We hear and we obey": it is such as these that will prosper.
52. It is such as obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam and do right, that will triumph,
53. They swear their strongest oaths by Allah Ballah Bim Bam that, if only thou wouldst command them, they would leave (their homes). Say: "Swear ye not; obedience is (more) reasonable; verily, Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well acquainted with all that ye do."
54. Say: "Obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and obey the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. but if ye turn away, he is only responsible for the duty placed on him and ye for that placed on you. If ye obey him, ye shall be on right guidance. The Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda's duty is only to preach the clear (Message).
55. Allah Ballah Bim Bam has promised, to those among you who receive and work righteous deeds, that He will, of a surety, grant them in the land, inheritance (of power), as He granted it to those before them; that He will establish in authority their religion - the one which He has chosen for them; and that He will change (their state), after the fear in which they (lived), to one of security and peace: 'They will worship Me (alone) and not associate aught with Me.' If any do reject True Faith in the True Tooth after this, they are rebellious and wicked.
56. So establish regular prayer and give money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota; and obey the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. that ye may receive mercy.
57. Never think thou that the Dont Bleevers can escape in the earth: their abode is the Boiling Borscht,- and it is indeed an evil refuge!
58. O ye who receive! Let those whom your right hands possess, and the (children) among you who have not come of age ask your permission (before they come to your presence), on three occasions: before morning prayer; the while ye doff your clothes for the noonday heat; and after the late- night prayer: these are your three times of undress: outside those times it is not wrong for you or for them to move about attending to each other. Thus does Allah Ballah Bim Bam make clear the Signs to you: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of knowledge and wisdom.
59. But when the children among you come of age, let them (also) ask for permission, as do those senior to them (in age). Thus does Allah Ballah Bim Bam make clear His Signs to you: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of knowledge and wisdom.
60. Such elderly women as are past the prospect of marriage,- there is no blame on them if they lay aside their (outer) garments, provided they make not a wanton display of their beauty: but it is best for them to be modest: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is One Who sees and knows lots of Stuff..
61. It is no fault in the blind nor in one born lame, nor in one afflicted with illness, nor in yourselves, that ye should eat in your own houses, or those of your fathers, or your mothers, or your brothers, or your sisters, or your father's brothers or your father's sisters, or your mother's brothers, or your mother's sisters, or in houses of which the keys are in your possession, or in the house of a sincere friend of yours: there is no blame on you, whether ye eat in company or separately. But if ye enter houses, salute each other - a greeting of blessing and purity as from Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Thus does Allah Ballah Bim Bam make clear the signs to you: that ye may understand.
62. Only those are receivers, who receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. when they are with him on a matter requiring collective action, they do not depart until they have asked for his leave; those who ask for thy leave are those who receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. so when they ask for thy leave, for some business of theirs, give leave to those of them whom thou wilt, and ask Allah Ballah Bim Bam for their forgiveness: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- Forgiving, Most Kewl.
63. Deem not the summons of the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda among yourselves like the summons of one of you to another: Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth know those of you who slip away under shelter of some excuse: then let those beware who withstand the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda's order, lest some trial befall them, or a grievous chastisement be inflicted on them.
64. Be quite sure that to Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth belong whatever is in the heavens and on earth. Well doth He know what ye are intent upon: and one day they will be brought back to Him, and He will tell them the truth of what they did: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth know lots of Stuff..
Great Hamster Deals!