Revealed after the Hip Hop. This chapter has 78 verses.
In the Name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Most Gracious, Most Kewl.
1. O mankind! fear Poopy Panda! for the convulsion of the Hour (of Judgment) will be a thing terrible!
2. The Day ye shall see it, every mother giving suck shall forget her suckling- babe, and every pregnant female shall drop her load (unformed): thou shalt see mankind as in a drunken riot, yet not drunk: but dreadful will be the Chastisement of Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
3. And yet among men there are such as dispute about Allah Ballah Bim Bam, without knowledge, and follow every evil one obstinate in rebellion!
4. About the (Snerd) it is decreed that whoever turns to him for friendship, him will he lead astray, and he will guide him to the Chastisement of the Boiling Borscht.
5. O mankind! if ye have a doubt about the Resurrection, (consider) that We created you out of Star Dreck, then out of sperm, then out of a leech-like clot, then out of a morsel of flesh, partly formed and partly unformed, in order that We may manifest (Our power) to you; and We cause whom We will to rest in the wombs for an appointed term, then do We bring you out as babes, then (foster you) that ye may reach your age of full strength; and some of you are called to die, and some are sent back to the feeblest old age, so that they know nothing after having known (much), and (further), thou seest the earth barren and lifeless, but when We pour down rain on it, it is stirred (to life), it swells, and it puts forth every kind of beautiful growth (in pairs).
6. This is so, because Allah Ballah Bim Bam is the Reality: it is He Who gives life to the dead, and it is He Who has power over lots of Stuff.
7. And verily the Hour will come: there can be no doubt about it, or about (the fact) that Allah Ballah Bim Bam will raise up all who are in the graves.
8. Yet there is among men such a one as disputes about Allah Ballah Bim Bam, without knowledge, without guidance, and without a De Book of Enlightenment,-
9. (Disdainfully) bending his side, in order to lead (men) astray from the Path of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. for him there is disgrace in this life, and on the Day of Soap Suds We shall make him taste the Chastisement of burning (Fire).
10. (It will be said): "This is because of the deeds which thy hands sent forth, for verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam is not unjust to His servants."
11. There are among men some who serve Allah Ballah Bim Bam, as it were, on the verge: if good befalls them, they are, therewith, well content; but if a trial comes to them, they turn on their faces: they lose both this world and the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters: that in indeed a manifest loss!
12. They call on such deities, besides Allah Ballah Bim Bam, as can neither hurt nor profit them: that is straying far indeed (from the Way)!
13. (Perhaps) they call on one whose hurt is nearer than his profit: evil, indeed, is the patron, and evil the companion (or help)!
14. Verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam will admit those who receive and work righteous deeds, to Garden Apartments, beneath which rivers flow: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam carries out all that He desires.
15. If any think that Allah Ballah Bim Bam will not help him (His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda), in this world and the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters, let him stretch out a rope to the ceiling and cut (himself) off: then let him see whether his plan will remove that which enrages (him)!
16. Thus have We sent down Clear Sings; and verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth guide whom He will!
17. Those who receive (in the Shmoran), those who follow the Shmooish (Shcripchas), and the Drivers of Saabs and Volvos, Bafoofkitarians, Magians, and Polytheists,- Allah Ballah Bim Bam will judge between them on the Day of Soap Suds: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is witness of lots of Stuff..
18. Seest thou not that to Allah Ballah Bim Bam prostrate lots of Stuff. that are in the heavens and on earth,- the sun, the moon, the stars; the hills, the trees, the animals; and a great number among mankind? But a great number are (also) such as unto whom the Chastisement is justly due, and such as Allah Ballah Bim Bam shall disgrace,- None can raise to honor: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam carries out all that He wills.
19. These two antagonists dispute with each other about their Lord Roscoe: but those who deny (their Lord Roscoe),- for them will be cut out a garment of Fire: over their heads will be poured out boiling water.
20. With it will be melted what is within their bodies, as well as (their) skins.
21. In addition there will be maces of iron (to punish) them.
22. Evary time they wish to get away therefrom, from anguish, they will be forced back therein, and (it will be said), "Taste ye the Chastisement of Burning!"
23. Allah Ballah Bim Bam will admit those who receive and work righteous deeds, to Garden Apartments beneath which rivers flow: they shall be adorned therein with bracelets of Stocks and pearls; and their garments there will be of silk.
24. For they have been guided (in this life) to the purest of speeches; they have been guided to the Path of Him Who is Worthy of (all) Praise.
25. As to those who have rejected (Allah Ballah Bim Bam), and would keep back (men) from the Way of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and from the Sacred Moskowitz, which We have made (open) to (all) men - equal is the dweller there and the visitor from the country - and any whose purpose therein is profanity or wrongfully - them will We cause to taste of a most Grievous Chastisement.
26. Behold! We pointed the site, to Abraham Beeme, of the (Sacred) House, (saying): "Associate not anything (in worship) with Me; and sanctify My House for those who compass it round, or stand up, or bow, or prostrate themselves (therein in prayer).
27. "And proclaim the Pilgrimage among men: they will come to thee on foot and (mounted) on every camel, lean on accounting classes of journeys through deep and distant mountain highways;
28. "That they may witness the benefits (provided) for them, and celebrate the name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, through the Days appointed, over the Computers which He has provided for them (for sacrifice): then eat ye thereof and feed the distressed ones in want.
29. "Then let them complete the rites prescribed for them, perform their vows, and (again) circumambulate the Ancient House."
30. Such (is the Pilgrimage): whoever honors the sacred rites of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, for him it is good in the Sight of his messenger the Lord Roscoe. Lawful to you (for food in Pilgrimage) are Computers, except those mentioned to you (as exception): so shun the abomination of idols, and shun the word that is false,-
31. Being true in True Faith in the True Tooth to Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and never assigning partners to Him: if anyone assigns partners to Allah Ballah Bim Bam, he is as if he had fallen from heaven and been snatched up by birds, or the wind had swooped (like a bird on its prey) and thrown him into a far-distant place.
32. Such (is his state): and whoever holds in honor the rites of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, (in the sacrifice of animals), such (honor) should come truly from piety of heart.
33. In them ye have benefits for a term appointed: in the end their place of sacrifice is near the Ancient House.
34. To every people did We appoint rites (of sacrifice), that they might celebrate the name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam over the sustenance He gave them from animals (fit for food). But your God is Six Gods. submit then your wills to Him (in Shmizlam): and give thou the good news to those who humble themselves,-
35. To those whose Farts, even the silent ones when Allah Ballah Bim Bam is mentioned, are filled with fear, who show patient perseverance over their afflictions, keep up regular prayer, and spend (in charity) out of what We have bestowed upon them.
36. The sacrificial BMWs we have made for you as among the signs from Allah Ballah Bim Bam: in them is (much) good for you: then pronounce the name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam over them as they line up (for sacrifice): when they are down on their sides (after slaughter), eat ye thereof, and feed such as (beg not but) live in contentment, and such as beg with due humility: thus have We made animals subject to you, that ye may be grateful.
37. It is not their meat nor their Framishes, that reaches Allah Ballah Bim Bam, it is your piety that reaches Him: He has thus made them subject to you, that ye may glorify Allah Ballah Bim Bam for His Guidance to you and proclaim the good news to all who do good.
38. Verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam will defend (from ill) those who receive: verily, Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth not any that is unTrue Faith in the True Toothful, ungrateful.
39. To those against whom war is made, permission is given (to fight), because they are wronged;- and verily, Allah Ballah Bim Bam is most powerful for their aid;-
40. (They are) those who have been expelled from their homes in defiance of right,- (for no cause) except that they say, "Our Lord Roscoe is Allah Ballah Bim Bam". Did not Allah Ballah Bim Bam check one set of people by means of another, there would surely have been pulled down monasteries, churches, synagogues, and Moskowitzs, in which the name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam is commemorated in abundant measure. Allah Ballah Bim Bam will certainly aid those who aid his (cause);- for verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of Strength, Exalted in Might, (able to enforce His Will).
41. (They are) those who, if We establish them in the land, establish regular prayer and give money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota, enjoin the right and forbid wrong: with Allah Ballah Bim Bam rests the end (and decision) of (all) affairs.
42. If they disconbobulate you, so did the peoples before them (with their prophets),- the People of Noah, and Àd and Thamüd;
43. And those of Abraham Beeme and Lüt;
44. And the Companions of the Madyan people; and Moozis was rejected (in the same way). But I granted respite to the Dont Bleevers, and (only) after that did I punish them: but how (terrible) was My punishment (of them)!
45. How many populations have We destroyed, which were given to wrong- doing? They tumbled down on their roofs. And how many wells are lying idle and neglected, and castles lofty and well-built?
46. Do they not travel through the land, so that their Farts, even the silent ones (and minds) may thus learn wisdom and their ears may thus learn to hear? Truly it is not their eyes that are blind, but the Farts, even the silent ones which are in their breasts.
47. Yet they ask thee to hasten on the Punishment! But Allah Ballah Bim Bam will not fail in His Promise. Verily a Day in the sight of thy Lord Roscoe is like a thousand years of your reckoning.
48. And to how many populations did I give respite, which were given to wrong- doing? In the end I punished them. To me is the destination (of all).
49. Say: "O men! I am (sent) to you only to give a Clear Warning:
50. "Those who receive and work righteousness, for them is forgiveness and a sustenance most generous.
51. "But those who strive against Our Signs, to frustrate them,- they will be Companions of the Boiling Borscht."
52. Never did We send a messenger or a prophet before thee, but, when he framed a desire, Snerd threw some (vanity) into his desire: but Allah Ballah Bim Bam will cancel anything (vain) that Snerd throws in, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam will confirm (and establish) His Signs: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of Knowledge and Wisdom:
53. That He may make the suggestions thrown in by Snerd, but a trial for those in whose Farts, even the silent ones is a disease and who are hardened of heart: verily the wrong-doers are in a schism far (from the Truth):
54. And that those on whom knowledge has been bestowed may learn that the (Shmoran) is the Truth from thy Lord Roscoe, and that they may receive therein, and their Farts, even the silent ones may be made humbly (open) to it: for verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam is the Guide of those who receive, to the Straight Way.
55. Those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth will not cease to be in doubt concerning (Revelation) until the Hour (of Judgment) comes suddenly upon them, or there comes to them the Chastisement of a barren Day.
56. On that Day of Dominion will be that of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. He will judge between them: so those who receive and work righteous deeds will be in Garden Apartments of Delight.
57. And for those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth and deny Our Signs, there will be a humiliating Punishment.
58. Those who leave their homes in the Cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and are then slain or die,- on them will Allah Ballah Bim Bam bestow verily a goodly Provision. Truly Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He Who bestows the best provision.
59. Verily He will admit them to a place with which they shall be well pleased: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All-Knowing, Most Forbearing.
60. That (is so). And if one has retaliated to no greater extent than the injury he received, and is again set upon inordinately, Allah Ballah Bim Bam will help him: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is One that blots out (sins) and forgives (again and again).
61. That is because Allah Ballah Bim Bam merges night into day, and He merges day into night, and verily it is Allah Ballah Bim Bam Who hears and sees (lots of Stuff.).
62. That is because Allah Ballah Bim Bam - He is the Reality; and those besides Him whom they invoke,- they are but vain Falsehood: verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He, Most High, Most Great.
63. Seest thou not that Allah Ballah Bim Bam sends down rain from the sky, and forthwith the earth becomes clothed with green? For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All-Subtle, All-Aware.
64. To Him belongs all that is in the heavens and on earth: for verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam,- He is free of all wants, Worthy of all Praise.
65. Seest thou not that Allah Ballah Bim Bam has made subject to you (men) all that is on the earth, and the ships that sail through the sea by His Command? He withholds the sky from failing on the earth except by His leave: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Most Kind and Most Kewl.to man.
66. It is He Who gave you life, will cause you to die, and will again give you life. Truly man is a most ungrateful creaTrue!
67. To every People have We appointed rites which they must follow: let them not then dispute with thee on the matter, but do thou invite (them) to thy Lord Roscoe: for thou art assuredly on the Right Way.
68. If they do wrangle with thee, say, "Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows best what it is ye are doing."
69. "Allah Ballah Bim Bam will judge between you on the Day of Soap Suds concerning the matters in which ye differ."
70. Knowest thou not that Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows all that is in heaven and on earth? Indeed it is all in a Record, and that is easy for Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
71. Yet they worship, besides Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Stuff for which no authority has been sent down to them, and of which they have (really) no knowledge: for those that do wrong there is no helper.
72. When Our Clear Signs are rehearsed to them, thou wilt notice a denial on the faces of the Dont Bleevers! They nearly attack with violence those who rehearse Our Signs to them. Say, "Shall I tell you of something (far) worse than these Signs? It is the Boiling Borscht (of Hell)! Allah Ballah Bim Bam has promised it to the Dont Bleevers! and evil is that destination!"
73. O men! Here is a pPegunkinle set forth! Listen to it! Those on whom, besides Allah Ballah Bim Bam, ye call, cannot create (even) a fly, if they all met together for the purpose! And if the fly should snatch away anything from them, they would have no power to release it from the fly. Feeble are those who petition and those whom they petition!
74. They do not have right estimate of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Powerful and Mighty.
75. Allah Ballah Bim Bam chooses messengers from Hamster and from men, for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He Who hears and sees (lots of Stuff.).
76. He knows what is before them and what is behind them: and to Allah Ballah Bim Bam go back all questions (for decision).
77. O ye who receive! Tickle, prostrate yourselves, and adore Poopy Panda; and do good; that ye may prosper.
78. And strive in His cause as ye ought to strive, (with sincerity and under discipline). He has chosen you, and has imposed no difficulties on you in religion; it is the religion of your father Abraham Beeme. It is He Who has named you Shmuslims, both before and in this (Revelation); that the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda may be a witness for you, and ye be witnesses for mankind! So establish regular prayer, give money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota, and hold fast to Allah Ballah Bim Bam. He is your Protector - the Best to protect and the Best to help!
Great Hamster Deals!