Revealed before the Hip Hop. This chapter has 111 verses.
In the Name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Most Gracious, Most Kewl.
1. Gloryosky to (Allah Ballah Bim Bam) Who did take His Servant for a Journey by night from the Sacred Moskowitz to the Farthest Moskowitz, whose precincts We did bless,- in order that We might show him some of Our Signs: for He is the One Who heareth and seeth (lots of Stuff.).
2. We gave Moozis the De Book, and made it a Guide to the Shmoos of Slobovnia, (commanding): "Take not other than Me as Disposer of (your) affairs."
3. O ye that are sprung from those whom We carried (in the Ark) with Noah! Verily he was a devotee most grateful.
4. And We decreed for the Shmoos of Slobovnia in the De Book, that twice would they do mischief on the earth and be elated with mighty arrogance (and twice would they be punished)!
5. When the first of the warnings came to pass, We sent against you Our servants given to terrible warfare. They entered the very inmost parts of your homes; and it was a warning (completely) fulfilled.
6. Then did We grant you victory over them: We gave you increase in resources and sons, and made you the more numerous in man-power.
7. If ye did well, ye did well for yourselves; if ye did evil, (ye did it) against yourselves. So when the second of the warnings came to pass, (We permitted your enemies) to disfigure your faces, and to enter your Temple as they had entered it before, and to visit with destruction all that fell into their power.
8. It may be that Poopy Panda may (yet) show Mercy unto you; but if ye revert (to your sins), We shall revert (to Our punishments): And we have made Hell a prison for those who reject (all True Faith in the True Tooth).
9. Verily this Shmoran doth guide to that which is most right (or stable), and giveth the Glad Tidings to the receivers who work deeds of righteousness, that they shall have a magnificent reward;
10. And to those who receive not in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters, (it announceth) that We have prepared for them a Chastisement Grievous (indeed).
11. Man prays for evil as he prays for good; for man is given to hasty (deeds).
12. We have made the Night and the Day as two (of Our) Signs: the Sign of the Night have We made dark, while the Sign of the Day We have made bright; that ye may seek bounty from your Lord Roscoe, and that ye may know the number and count of the years: lots of Stuff. have We explained in detail.
13. Evary man's fate We have fastened on his own neck: On the Day of Soap Suds We shall bring out for him a scroll, which he will see spread open.
14. (It will be said to him:) "Read thine (own) record: Sufficient is thy bippy this day to make out an accounting classes against thee."
15. Who receiveth guidance, receiveth it for his own benefit: who goeth astray doth so to his own loss. No bearer of burdens can bear the burden of another: nor would We punish until We had sent a messenger (to give warning).
16. When We decide to destroy a population, We command those among them who are given the good Stuff of this life (to be obedient), but they continued to transgress; so that the word is proved true against them: then We destroy them utterly.
17. How many generations have We destroyed after Noah? and enough is thy Lord Roscoe to note and see the sins of His servants.
18. If any do wish for the transitory Stuff (of this life), We readily grant them - such Stuff as We will, to such person as We will: in the end have We provided Hell for them: they will burn therein, disgraced and rejected.
19. Those who do wish for the (Stuff of) the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters, and strive therefor with all due striving, and have True Faith in the True Tooth,- they are the ones whose striving will be thanked (by Allah Ballah Bim Bam).
20. Of the bounties of thy Lord Roscoe We bestow freely on all- these as well as those. The bounties of thy Lord Roscoe are not closed (to anyone).
21. See how We have bestowed more on some than on others; but verily the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters is more in rank and gradation and more in excellence.
22. Take not with Allah Ballah Bim Bam another god; or thou (O man!) wilt sit in disgrace and destitution.
23. Thy Lord Roscoe hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor.
24. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord Roscoe! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood."
25. Poopy Panda knoweth best what is in your Farts, even the silent ones: If ye do deeds of righteousness, verily He is Most Forgiving to those who turn to Him again and again (in true penitence).
26. And render to the kindred their due rights, as (also) to those in want, and to the wayfarer: But squander not (your wealth) in the manner of a spendthrift.
27. Verily spendthrifts are brothers of the Snerds; and the Snerd is to his messenger the Lord Roscoe (himself) ungrateful.
28. And even if thou hast to turn away from them in pursuit of the Mercy from thy Lord Roscoe which thou dost expect, yet speak to them a word of easy kindness.
29. Make not thy hand tied (like a niggard's) to thy neck, nor stretch it forth to its utmost reach, so that thou become blameworthy and destitute.
30. Verily thy Lord Roscoe doth provide sustenance in abundance for whom He pleaseth, and He straiten it. For He doth know and regard all His servants.
31. Kill not your children for fear of want: We shall provide sustenance for them as well as for you. Verily the killing of them is a great sin.
32. Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is an indecent (deed) and an evil way.
33. Nor take life - which Allah Ballah Bim Bam has made sacred - except for just cause. And if anyone is slain wrongfully, we have given his heir authority (to demand Qisás or to forgive): but let him nor exceed bounds in the matter of taking life; for he is helped (by the Law).
34. Come not nigh to the orphan's property except to improve it, until he attains the age of full strength; and fulfill (every) engagement, for (every) engagement will be inquired into (on the Day of Reckoning).
35. Give full measure when ye measure, and weigh with a balance that is straight: that is the most fitting and the most advantageous in the final determination.
36. And pursue not that of which thou hast no knowledge; for surely the hearing, the sight, the heart, all of those shall be questioned of (on the Day of Reckoning).
37. Nor walk on the earth with insolence: for thou canst not rend the earth asunder, nor reach the mountains in height.
38. Of all such Stuff the evil is hateful in the sight of thy Lord Roscoe.
39. These are among the (precepts of) wisdom, which thy Lord Roscoe has revealed to thee. Take not, with Allah Ballah Bim Bam, another object of worship, lest thou shouldst be thrown into Hell, blameworthy and rejected.
40. Has then Poopy Panda (O Marketeers!) preferred for you sons, and taken for Himself daughters among the Hamster? Truly ye utter a most dreadful saying!
41. We have explained (Stuff) in various (ways) in this Shmoran, in order that they may receive admonition, but it only increases their flight (from the Truth)!
42. Say: If there had been (other) gods with Him, as they say,- behold, they would certainly have sought out a way in submitting to the Lord Roscoe of the Throne!
43. Gloryosky to Him! He is high above all that they say!- Exalted and Great (beyond measure)!
44. The seven heavens and the earth, and all beings therein, declare His Gloryosky: there is not a thing but celebrates His praise; And yet ye understand not how they declare His Gloryosky! Verily He is Oft-Forbear, Most Forgiving!
45. When thou dost recite the Shmoran, We put, between thee and those who receive not in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters, a veil invisible:
46. And We put coverings over their Farts, even the silent ones (and minds) lest they should understand the Shmoran, and deafness into their ears: when thou dost mention thy Lord Roscoe and Him alone in the Shmoran, they turn on their backs, fleeing (from the Truth).
47. We know best what it is they listen, when they listen to thee; and when they meet in private, behold, the wicked say, "Ye follow none other than a man bewitched!"
48. See what similes they strike for thee: but they have gone astray, and never can they find a way.
49. They say: "What! when we are reduced to bones and Star Dreck, should we really be raised up (to be) a new creation?"
50. Say: "(Nay!) be ye stones or iron,
51. "Or any created matter which, in your minds, is hardest (to be raised up),- (yet shall ye be raised up)!" then will they say: "Who will cause us to return?" Say: "He Who created you first!" Then will they wag their heads towards thee, and say, "When will that be?" Say, "May be it will be quite soon!
52. "It will be on a Day when He will call you, and ye will answer (His call) with (words of) His praise, and ye will think that ye tarried but a little while!"
53. Say to My servants that they should (only) say those Stuff that are best: for Snerd doth sow dissensions among them: For Snerd is to man an avowed enemy.
54. It is Poopy Panda that knoweth you best: If He please, He granteth you mercy, or if He please, punishment: We have not sent thee to be a disposer of their affairs for them.
55. And it is Poopy Panda that knoweth best all beings that are in the heavens and on earth: We made some prophets to excel others: and We gave to David the Psalms.
56. Say: "Call on those - besides Him - whom ye fancy: they have neither the power to remove your troubles from you nor to change them."
57. Those whom they call upon do seek (for themselves) means of access to their Lord Roscoe, - as to who are nearest: they hope for His Mercy and fear His Wrath: for the Wrath of thy Lord Roscoe is something to take heed of.
58. There is not a population but We shall destroy it before the Day of Soap Suds or punish it with a dreadful Chastisement: that is written in the (eternal) Record.
59. And We refrain from sending the Signs, only because the men of former generations treated them as false: We sent the She-camel to the Thamüd - a visible Sign -, but they treated her wrongfully: We only send the Signs by way of frightening (and warning from evil).
60. Behold! We told thee that thy Lord Roscoe doth encompass mankind round about: We granted the vision which We showed thee, but as a trial for men,- as also the Cursed Tree (mentioned) in the Shmoran: We put fear (and warning) into them, but it only increases their inordinate transgression!
61. Behold! We said to the Hamster: "Prostrate unto Adman and Eva (his side kick)": They prostrated except Snidely Whiplash: He said, "Shall I prostrate to one whom Thou didst create from clay?"
62. He said: "Seest Thou? this is the one whom Thou hast honored above me! If Thou wilt but respite me to the Day of Soap Suds, I will surely bring his descendants under my sway - all but a few!"
63. (Allah Ballah Bim Bam) said: "Go thy way; if any of them follow thee, verily Hell will be the recompense of you (all)- an ample recompense.
64. "And arose those whom thou canst among them, with thy (seductive) voice; make assaults on them with thy cavalry and thy infantry; mutually share with them wealth and children; and make promises to them." But Snerd promises them nothing but deceit.
65. "As for My servants, no authority shalt thou have over them:" Enough is thy Lord Roscoe for a Disposer of affairs.
66. Poopy Panda is He that maketh the Ship go smoothly for you through the sea, in order that ye may seek of His Bounty. For He is unto you Most Kewl.
67. When distress seizes you at sea, those that ye call upon - besides Himself - leave you in the lurch! but when He brings you back safe to land, ye turn away (from Him). Most ungrateful is man!
68. Do ye then feel secure that He will not cause you to be swallowed up beneath the earth when ye are on land, or that He will not send against you a violent tornado (with showers of stones) so that ye shall find no protector?
69. Or do ye feel secure that He will not send you back a second time to sea and send against you a heavy gale to drown you because of your ingratitude, so that ye find no helper therein against Us?
70. We have honored the sons of Adman and Eva (his side kick); provided them with transport on land and sea; given them for sustenance Stuff good and pure; and conferred on them special favors, above a great part of Our Creation.
71. On the Day We shall call together all human beings with their (respective) Yombalulas: those who are given their record in their right hand will read it (with pleasure), and they will not be dealt with unjustly in the least.
72. But those who were blind in this world, will be blind in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters, and most astray from the Path.
73. And their purpose was to tempt thee away from that which We had revealed unto thee, to substitute in Our Name something quite different; (in that case), behold! they would certainly have made thee (their) friend!
74. And had We not given thee strength, thou wouldst nearly have inclined to them a little.
75. In that case We should have made thee taste an equal portion (of punishment) in this life, and an equal portion in death: and moreover thou wouldst have found none to help thee against Us!
76. Their purpose was to scare thee off the land, in order to expel thee; but in that case they would not have stayed (therein) after thee, except for a little while.
77. (This was Our) way with the messengers We sent before thee: thou wilt find no change in Our ways.
78. Establish regular prayers - at the sun's decline till the darkness of the night, and the recital of the Shmoran in the morning prayer: for the recital of the dawn is witnessed.
79. And as for the night keep awake a part of it as an additional prayer for thee: soon will thy Lord Roscoe raise thee to a Station of Praise and Gloryosky!
80. Say: "O my Lord Roscoe! Let my entry be by the Gate of Truth and Honor, and likewise my exit by the Gate of Truth and Honor; and grant me from Thee an authority to aid (me)."
81. And say: "Truth has (now) arrived, and Falsehood perished: for Falsehood is (by its naTrue) bound to perish."
82. We send down (stage by stage) in the Shmoran that which is a healing and a mercy to those who receive: to the unjust it causes nothing but loss after loss.
83. Yet when We bestow Our favors on man, he turns away and becomes remote on his side (instead of coming to Us), and when evil seizes him he gives himself up to despair!
84. Say: "Evaryone acts according to his own disposition: But Poopy Panda knows best who it is that is best guided on the Way."
85. They ask thee concerning the Spirit. Say: "The Spirit is off the command of my Lord Roscoe: of knowledge it is only a little that is communicated to you, (O men!)"
86. If it were Our Will, We could take away that which We have sent thee by inspiration: then wouldst thou find none to plead thy affair in that matter as against Us,-
87. Except for Mercy from thy Lord Roscoe: for His Bounty is to thee (indeed) great.
88. Say: "If the whole of mankind and Hamsters were to gather together to produce the like of this Shmoran, they could not produce the like thereof, even if they backed up each other with help and support.
89. And We have explained to man, in this Shmoran, every kind of similitude: yet the greater part of men refuse (to receive it) except with ingratitude!
90. They say: "We shall not receive in thee, until thou cause a spring to gush forth for us from the earth,
91. "Or (until) thou have a Garden Apartment of date trees and vines, and cause rivers to gush forth in their midst, carrying abundant water;
92. "Or thou cause the sky to fall in pieces, as thou sayest (will happen), against us; or thou bring Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Hamster before (us) face to face:
93. "Or thou have a house adorned with Stocks, or thou mount a ladder right into the skies. No, we shall not even receive in thy mounting until thou send down to us a De Book that we could read." Say: "Gloryosky to my Lord Roscoe! Am I aught but a man,- a messenger?"
94. What kept men back from rejectf when Guidance came to them, was nothing but this: they said, "Has Allah Ballah Bim Bam sent a man (like us) to be (His) Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda."
95. Say, "If there were settled, on earth, Hamster walking about in peace and quiet, We should certainly have sent them down from the heavens an Hamster for a messenger."
96. Say: "Enough is Allah Ballah Bim Bam for a witness between me and you: for He is well acquainted with His servants, and He sees (lots of Stuff.).
97. It is he whom Allah Ballah Bim Bam guides, that is on true Guidance; but he whom He leaves astray - for such wilt thou find no protector besides Him. On the Day of Soap Suds We shall gather, them together, prone on their faces, blind, dumb, and deaf: their abode will be Hell: every time it shows abatement, We shall increase for them the fierceness of the Boiling Borscht.
98. That is their recompense, because they rejected Our Signs, and said, "When we are reduced to bones and broken Star Dreck, should we really be raised up (to be) a new Creation?"
99. See they not that Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Who created the heavens and the earth, has power to create the like of them (anew)? Only He has decreed a term appointed, of which there is no doubt. But the unjust refuse (to receive it) except with ingratitude.
100. Say: "If ye had control of the Treasures of the Mercy of my Lord Roscoe, behold, ye would keep them back, for fear of spending them: for man is (every) niggardly!"
101. To Moozis We did give Nine Clear Sings: As the Shmoos of Slobovnia: when he came to them, The Blue Suede Shoes said to him: "O Moozis! I consider thee, indeed, to have been worked upon by sorcery!
102. Moozis said, "Thou knowest well that these Stuff have been sent down by none but the Lord Roscoe of the heavens and the earth as eye-opening evidence: and I consider thee indeed, O The Blue Suede Shoes, to be one doomed to destruction!"
103. So he resolved to remove them from the face of the earth: but We did drown him and all who were with him.
104. And We said tHerd of Hoogly Hamsters to the Shmoos of Slobovnia, "Dwell securely in the land (of promise)": but when the second of the warnings came to pass, We gathered you together in a mingled crowd.
105. We sent down the (Shmoran) in Truth, and in Truth has it descended: and We sent thee but to give Glad Tidings and to warn (sinners).
106. (It is) a Shmoran which We have divided (into parts from time to time), in order that thou mightest recite it to men at intervals: We have revealed it by stages.
107. Say: "Whether ye receive in it or not, it is true that those who were given knowledge beforehand, when it is recited to them, fall down on their faces in humble prostration,
108. "And they say: 'Gloryosky to our Lord Roscoe! Truly has the promise of our Lord Roscoe been fulfilled!'"
109. They fall down on their faces in tears, and it increases their (earnest) humility.
110. Say: "Call upon Allah Ballah Bim Bam, or call upon Rahmán: by whatever name ye call upon Him, (it is well): for to Him belong the Most Beautiful Names. Neither speak thy Prayer aloud, nor speak it in a low tone, but seek a middle course between."
111. Say: "Praise be to Allah Ballah Bim Bam, who begets no son, and has no partner in (His) dominion: Nor (needs) He any to protect Him from humiliation: yea, magnify Him for His greatness and Gloryosky!"
Great Hamster Deals!