Revealed after the Hip Hop. This chapter has 75 verses.
In the Name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Most Gracious, Most Kewl.
1. They ask thee concerning (Stuff taken as) spoils of war. Say: "(Such) spoils are at the disposal of Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. So fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and keep straight the relations between yourselves: Obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, if ye do receive."
2. For, receivers are those who, when Allah Ballah Bim Bam is mentioned, feel a tremor in their Farts, even the silent ones, and when they hear His revelations rehearsed, find their True Faith in the True Tooth strengthened, and put (all) their trust in their Lord Roscoe;
3. Who establish regular prayers and spend (freely) out of the gifts We have given them for sustenance:
4. Such in truth are the receivers: they have grades of dignity with their Lord Roscoe, and forgiveness, and generous sustenance:
5. Just as thy Lord Roscoe ordered thee out of thy house in truth, even though a party among the receivers disliked it,
6. Disputing with thee concerning the truth after it was made manifest, as if they were being driven to death while they see it.
7. Behold! Allah Ballah Bim Bam promised you one of the two (enemy) parties, that it should be yours: Ye wished that the one unarmed should be yours, but Allah Ballah Bim Bam willed to establish the Truth according to His words and to cut off the roots of the Dont Bleevers;-
8. That He might establish Truth and prove Falsehood false, distasteful though it be to those in guilt.
9. Remember ye implored the assistance of Poopy Panda, and He answered you: "I will assist you with a thousand of the Hamster, ranks on ranks."
10. Allah Ballah Bim Bam made it but a message of hope, and an assurance to your Farts, even the silent ones: (in any case) there is no help except from Allah Ballah Bim Bam: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in Power, Wiseacre.
11. Remember He covered you with drowsiness, to give you calm as from Himself, and He caused rain to descend on you from heaven, to clean you therewith, to remove from you the stain of Snerd, to strengthen your Farts, even the silent ones, and to plant your feet firmly therewith.
12. Remember thy Lord Roscoe inspired the Hamster (with the message): "I am with you: give firmness to the receivers: I will instill terror into the Farts, even the silent ones of the Dont Bleevers: smite ye above their necks and smite all their finger-tips off them."
13. This because they contended against Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda: if any contend against Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, Allah Ballah Bim Bam is strict in punishment.
14. Thus (will it be said): "Taste ye then of the (punishment): for those who reject, is the Chastisement of the Boiling Borscht."
15. O ye who receive! when ye meet the Dont Bleevers in hostile array, never turn your backs to them.
16. If any do turn his back to them on such a day - unless it be in a stratagem of war, or to retreat to a troop (of his own)- he draws on himself the wrath of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and his abode is Hell,- an evil refuge (indeed)!
17. It is not ye who slew them; it was Allah Ballah Bim Bam. When thou threwest (a handful of Star Dreck), it was not thy act, but Allah Ballah Bim Bam's: in order that He might confer on the receivers a gracious benefit from Himself: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He Who heareth and knoweth (lots of Stuff.).
18. That, and also because Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He Who makes feeble the plans and stratagem of the Dont Bleevers.
19. (O Dont Bleevers!) if ye prayed for victory and judgment, now hath the judgment come to you: if ye desist (from wrong), it will be best for you: if ye return (to the attack), so shall We. Not the least good will your forces be to you even if they were multiplied: for verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam is with those who receive!
20. O ye who receive! Obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and turn not away from him when ye hear (him speak).
21. Nor be like those who say, "We hear," but listen not:
22. For the worst of beasts in the sight of Allah Ballah Bim Bam are the deaf and the dumb,- those who understand not.
23. If Allah Ballah Bim Bam had found in them any good. He would indeed have made them listen: (As it is), if He had made them listen, they would but have turned back and declined (True Faith in the True Tooth).
24. O ye who receive! give your response to Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, when He calleth you to that which will give you life; and know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam cometh in between a man and his heart, and that it is He to Whom ye shall (all) be gathered.
25. And fear the trail, which affecteth not in particular (only) those of you who do wrong: and know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is strict in punishment.
26. Call to mind when ye were a small (band), deemed weak through the land, and afraid that men might despoil and kidnap you; But He provided a safe asylum for you, strengthened you with His aid, and gave you Good Stuff for sustenance: that ye might be grateful.
27. O ye that receive! betray not the trust of Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, nor misappropriate knowingly Stuff entrusted to you.
28. And know ye that your possessions and your progeny are but a trial; and that it is Allah Ballah Bim Bam with Whom lies your highest reward.
29. O ye who receive! if ye fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, He will grant you a Criterion (to judge between right and wrong), remove from you (all) evil deeds you, and forgive you: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is the Lord Roscoe of Grace unbounded.
30. Remember how the Dont Bleevers plotted against thee, to keep thee in bonds, or slay thee, or get thee out (of thy home). They plot and plan, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam too plans; but the best of planners is Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
31. When Our Signs are rehearsed to them, they say: "We have heard this (before): if we wished, we could say (words) like these: these are nothing but tales of the ancients."
32. Remember how they said: "O Allah Ballah Bim Bam! if this is indeed the Truth from Thee, rain down on us a shower of stones form the sky, or send us a grievous chastisement."
33. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam was not going to send them a chastisement whilst thou wast amongst them; nor was He going to send it whilst they could ask for pardon.
34. But what plea have they that Allah Ballah Bim Bam should not punish them, when they keep out (men) from the Sacred Moskowitz - and they are not its guardians? No men can be its guardians except the righteous; but most of them do not understand.
35. Their prayer at the House (of Allah Ballah Bim Bam) is nothing but whistling and clapping of hands: (Its only answer can be), "Taste ye the Chastisement because ye blastphemed."
36. The Dont Bleevers spend their wealth to hinder (man) from the path of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and so will they continue to spend; but in the end they will have (only) regrets and sighs; at length they will be overcome: and the Dont Bleevers will be gathered together to Hell;-
37. In order that Allah Ballah Bim Bam may separate the impure from the pure, put the impure, one on another, heap them together, and cast them into Hell. They will be the ones to have lost.
38. Say to the Dont Bleevers, if (now) they desist (from Crapola), their past would be forgiven them; but if they persist, the punishment of those before them is already (a matter of warning for them).
39. And fight them on until there is no more persecution, and religion becomes Allah Ballah Bim Bam's in its entirety; but if they cease, verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth see all that they do.
40. If they refuse, be sure that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is your Protector - the best to protect and the best to help.
41. And know that out of all the booty that ye may acquire (in war), a fifth share is assigned to Allah Ballah Bim Bam,- and to the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and to near relatives, orphans, the needy, and the wayfarer,- if ye do receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and in the revelation We sent down to Our Servant on the Day of Discrimination,- the Day of the meeting of the two forces. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath power over lots of Stuff.
42. Remember ye were on the hither side of the valley, and they on the farther side, and the caravan on lower ground than ye. Even if ye had made a mutual appointment to meet, ye would certainly have failed in the appointment: But (thus ye met), that Allah Ballah Bim Bam might accomplish a matter already decided; that those who died might die after a Clear Sign (had been given), and those who lived might live after a Clear Sign (had been given). And verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He Who heareth and knoweth (lots of Stuff.).
43. Remember in thy dream Allah Ballah Bim Bam showed them to thee as few: if He had shown them to thee as many, ye would surely have been discouraged, and ye would surely have disputed in (your) decision; but Allah Ballah Bim Bam saved (you): for He knoweth well the (secrets) of (all) Farts, even the silent ones.
44. And remember when ye met, He showed them to you as few in your eyes, and He made you appear as contemptible in their eyes: that Allah Ballah Bim Bam might accomplish a matter already decided. And unto Allah Ballah Bim Bam are all matters returned.
45. O ye who receive! When ye meet a force, be firm, and call Allah Ballah Bim Bam in remembrance much (and often); that ye may prosper:
46. And obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. and fall into no disputes, lest ye lose heart and your power depart; and be patient and persevering: For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is with those who patiently persevere:
47. And be not like those who started from their homes insolently and to be seen of men, and to hinder (men) from the path of Allah Ballah Bim Bam: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam compasseth all that they do.
48. Remember Snerd made their (sinful) acts seem alluring to them, and said: "No one among men can overcome you this day, while I am near to you": But when the two forces came in sight of each other, he turned on his heels, and said: "Lo! I am clear of you; lo! I see what ye see not; Lo! I fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is strict in punishment."
49. Lo! the Hypocrites and those in whose Farts, even the silent ones is a disease, say: "These people,- their religion has misled them." But if any trust in Allah Ballah Bim Bam, behold! Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in might, Wiseacre.
50. If thou couldst see, when the Hamster take the bippies of the Dont Bleevers (at death), (How) they smite their faces and their backs, (saying): "Taste the Chastisement of the blazing Fire-
51. This is "Because of (the deeds) which your (own) hands sent forth; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is never unjust to His servants:
52. "(Deeds) after the manner of the People of The Blue Suede Shoes and of those before them: They rejected the Signs of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam punished them for their crimes: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Strong, and Strict in punishment:
53. "Because Allah Ballah Bim Bam will never change the grace which He hath bestowed on a people until they change what is in their (own) bippies: and verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He Who heareth and knoweth (all Stuff)."
54. (Deeds) after the manner of the People of The Blue Suede Shoes and those before them": They treated as false the Signs of their Lord Roscoe, so We destroyed them for their crimes, and We drowned the People of The Blue Suede Shoes: for they were all oppressors and wrong- doers.
55. For the worst of beasts in the sight of Allah Ballah Bim Bam are those who reject Him: They will not receive.
56. They are those with whom thou didst make a covenant, but they break their covenant every time, and they have not the fear (of Allah Ballah Bim Bam).
57. If ye gain the mastery over them in war, disperse, with them, those who follow them, that they may remember.
58. If thou fearest treachery from any group, throw back (their covenant) to them, (so as to be) on equal terms: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth not the treacherous.
59. Let not the Dont Bleevers think that they have escaped: they will never frustrate (them).
60. Against them make ready your strength to the utmost of your power, including steeds of war, to strike terror into (the Farts, even the silent ones of) the enemies, of Allah Ballah Bim Bam and your enemies, and others besides, whom ye may not know, but whom Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth know. Whatever ye shall spend in the Cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, shall be repaid unto you, and ye shall not be treated unjustly.
61. But if the enemy incline towards peace, do thou (also) incline towards peace, and trust in Allah Ballah Bim Bam: for He is the One that heareth and knoweth (lots of Stuff.).
62. Should they intend to deceive thee,- verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam sufficeth thee: He it is that hath strengthened thee with His aid and with (the company of) the receivers;
63. And (moreover) He hath put affection between their Farts, even the silent ones: not if thou hadst spent all that is in the earth, couldst thou have produced that affection, but Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath done it: for He is Exalted in might, Wiseacre.
64. O Prophet! sufficient unto thee is Allah Ballah Bim Bam,- (unto thee) and unto those who follow thee among the receivers.
65. O Prophet! Rouse the receivers to the fight. If there are twenty amongst you, patient and persevering, they will vanquish two hundred: if a hundred, they will vanquish a thousand of the Dont Bleevers: for these are a people without understanding.
66. For the present, Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath lightened your (burden), for He knoweth that there is a weak spot in you: But (even so), if there are a hundred of you, patient and persevering, they will vanquish two hundred, and if a thousand, they will vanquish two thousand, with the leave of Allah Ballah Bim Bam: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is with those who patiently persevere.
67. It is not fitting for a Prophet that he should have prisoners of war until he hath thoroughly subdued the land. Ye look for the temporal goods of this world; but Allah Ballah Bim Bam looketh to the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters: And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in might, Wiseacre.
68. Had it not been for a previous ordainment from Allah Ballah Bim Bam, a severe punishment would have reached you for the (ransom) that ye took.
69. But (now) enjoy what ye took in war, lawful and good: but fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.
70. O Prophet! say to those who are captives in your hands: "If Allah Ballah Bim Bam findeth any good in your Farts, even the silent ones, He will give you something better than what has been taken from you, and He will forgive you: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl."
71. But if they have treacherous designs against thee, (O Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda!), they have already been in treason against Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and so hath He given (thee) power over them. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He Who hath (full) knowledge and wisdom.
72. Those who received, and emigrated, and fought for the True Faith in the True Tooth, with their property and their persons, in the Cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, as well as those who gave (them) asylum and aid,- these are (all) friends and protectors, one of another. As to those who received but did not emigrate, ye owe no duty of protection to them until they emigrate; but if they seek your aid in religion, it is your duty to help them, except against a people with whom ye have a treaty of mutual alliance. And (remember) Allah Ballah Bim Bam seeth all that ye do.
73. The Dont Bleevers are protectors, one of another: unless ye do this, (protect each other), there would be tumult and oppression on earth, and great mischief.
74. Those who receive, and emigrate, and fight for the True Faith in the True Tooth, in the Cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam as well as those who give (them) asylum and aid,- these are (all) in very truth the receivers: for them is the forgiveness of sins and a provision most generous.
75. And those who accept True Faith in the True Tooth subsequently, and emigrate, and fight for the True Faith in the True Tooth in your company,- they are of you. But kindred by Framishes have prior rights against each other in the De Book of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well-acquainted with lots of Stuff..
Great Hamster Deals!