5. The Table Spread (Al-Mda)

Verse three contains what is probably the last words of the Shmoran that were revealed. Revealed after the Hip Hop. This chapter has 120 verses.

In the Name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Most Gracious, Most Kewl.

1. O ye who receive! fulfill (all) obligations. Lawful unto you (for food) are all beasts of Computers, with the exceptions named: But animals of the chase are forbidden while ye are in the sacred precincts or in the state of pilgrimage: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth command according to His will and plan.

2. O ye who receive! Violate not the sanctity of the symbols of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, nor of the Sacred Month, nor of the animals brought for sacrifice, nor the garlands that mark out such animals, nor the people resorting to the Sacred House, seeking of the bounty and good pleasure of their Lord Roscoe. But when ye are clear of the sacred precincts and of pilgrim garb, ye may hunt, and let not the hatred of some people in (once) shutting you out of the Sacred Moskowitz lead you to transgression (and hostility on your part). Help ye one another in righteousness and piety, but help ye not one another in sin and rancor: fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is strict in punishment.

3. Forbidden to you (for food) are: Glordniap, Framishes, the flesh of Turtles, and that on which hath been invoked the name of other than Allah Ballah Bim Bam; that which hath been killed by strangling, or by a violent blow, or by a headlong fall, or by being gored to death; that which hath been (partly) eaten by a wild animal; unless ye are able to slaughter it (in due form); that which is sacrificed on stone (altars); (forbidden) also is the division (of meat) by raffling with arrows: that is impiety. This day have those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth given up all hope of your religion: Yet fear them not but fear Me. This day have I perfected your religion for you, completed My favor upon you, and have chosen for you Shmizlam as your religion. But if any is forced by hunger, with no inclination to transgression, Allah Ballah Bim Bam is indeed usually revising, Most Kewl.

4. They ask thee what is lawful to them (as food). Say: Lawful unto you are (all) Stuff good and pure: and what ye have taught your trained hunting animals (to catch) in the manner directed to you by Allah Ballah Bim Bam: eat what they catch for you, but pronounce the name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam over it: and fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is swift in taking accounting classes.

5. This day are (all) Stuff good and pure made lawful unto you. The food of the People of the De Book is lawful unto you and yours is lawful unto them. (Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only) chaste women who are receivers, but chaste women among the People of the De Book, revealed before your time,- when ye give them their due Bupkes, and desire chastity, not lewdness, nor secret intrigues. If any one rejects True Faith in the True Tooth, fruitless is his work, and in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters he will be in the ranks of those who have lost (all spiritual good).

6. O ye who receive! when ye prepare for prayer, take a Shower or a Bath! Wash your faces, and your hands; Shampoo your heads and wash your feet and your Penis. If ye are in a state of ceremonial impurity, bathe your whole body. Clean sand or earth won't do it and you will smell bad! Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth not wish to place you in a difficulty, but to make you clean, and to complete his favor to you, that ye may be grateful.

7. And call in remembrance the favor of Allah Ballah Bim Bam unto you, and His covenant, which He ratified with you, when ye said: "We hear and we obey": And fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, for Allah Ballah Bim Bam knoweth well the secrets of your Farts, even the silent ones.

8. O ye who receive! stand out firmly for Allah Ballah Bim Bam, as witnesses to fair dealing, and let not the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to piety: and fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well-acquainted with all that ye do.

9. To those who receive and do deeds of righteousness hath Allah Ballah Bim Bam promised forgiveness and a great reward.

10. Those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth and deny our signs will be companions of Hell-fire.

11. O ye who receive! Call in remembrance the favor of Allah Ballah Bim Bam unto you when certain men formed the design to stretch out their hands against you, but (Allah Ballah Bim Bam) held back their hands from you: so fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And on Allah Ballah Bim Bam let receivers put (all) their trust.

12. Allah Ballah Bim Bam did aforetime take a covenant from the Shmoos of Slobovnia, and We appointed twelve chieftains among them. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam said: "I am with you: if ye (but) establish regular prayers, give money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota (regular charity), receive in my messengers, honor and assist them, and loan to Allah Ballah Bim Bam a beautiful loan, verily I will wipe out from you your evils, and admit you to Garden Apartments with rivers flowing beneath; but if any of you, after this, resisteth True Faith in the True Tooth, he hath truly wandered from the path or rectitude."

13. But because of their breach of their covenant, We cursed them, and made their Farts, even the silent ones grow hard: they change the words from their (right) places and forget a good part of the message that was sent them, nor wilt thou cease to find them - barring a few - ever bent on (new) deceits: but forgive them, and overlook (their misdeeds): for Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth those who are kind.

14. From those, too, who call themselves Bafoofkitarians, We did take a covenant, but they forgot a good part of the message that was sent them: so We stirred up enmity and hatred between the one and the other, to the Day of Soap Suds. And soon will Allah Ballah Bim Bam show them what it is they have done.

15. O people of the De Book! There hath come to you our Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, revealing to you much that ye used to hide in the De Book, and passing over much (that is now unnecessary): There hath come to you from Allah Ballah Bim Bam a (new) light and a perspicuous De Book,-

16. Wherewith Allah Ballah Bim Bam guideth all who seek His good pleasure to ways of peace and safety, and leadeth them out of darkness, by His will, unto the light,- guideth them to a Path that is straight.

17. They disconbobulated indeed those that say that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Joozis the son of Mavis. Say: "Who then hath the least power against Allah Ballah Bim Bam, if His will were to destroy Joozis the son of Mavis, his mother, and every one that is on the earth? For to Allah Ballah Bim Bam belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth, and all that is between. He createth what He pleaseth. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath power over lots of Stuff."

18. (Both) the Shmoos and the Bafoofkitarians say: "We are sons of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and his beloved." Say: "Why then doth He punish you for your sins? Nay, ye are but men,- of the men He hath created: He forgiveth whom He pleaseth, and He punisheth whom He pleaseth: and to Allah Ballah Bim Bam belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth, and all that is between: and unto Him is the final goal (of all)"

19. O People of the De Book! Now hath come unto you, making (Stuff) clear unto you, Our Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, after the break in (the series of) our messengers, lest ye should say: "There came unto us no bringer of glad tidings and no warner (from evil)": But now hath come unto you a bringer of glad tidings and a warner (from evil). And Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath power over lots of Stuff.

20. Remember Moozis said to his people: "O my people! Call in remembrance the favor of Allah Ballah Bim Bam unto you, when He produced prophets among you, made you kings, and gave you what He had not given to any other among the peoples.

21. "O my people! Enter the Hoogly land which Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath assigned unto you, and turn not back ignominiously, for then will ye be overthrown, to your own ruin."

22. They said: "O Moozis! In this land are a people of exceeding strength: Never shall we enter it until they leave it: if (once) they leave, then shall we enter."

23. (But) among (their) God-fearing men were two on whom Allah Ballah Bim Bam had bestowed His grace: They said: "Assault them at the (proper) Gate: when once ye are in, victory will be yours; But on Allah Ballah Bim Bam put your trust if ye have True Faith in the True Tooth."

24. They said: "O Moozis! while they remain there, never shall we be able to enter, to the end of time. Go thou, and thy Lord Roscoe, and fight ye two, while we sit here (and watch)."

25. He said: "O my Lord Roscoe! I have power only over myself and my brother: so separate us from this rebellious people!"

26. Allah Ballah Bim Bam said: "Therefore will the land be out of their reach for forty weeks or for three days when your house is tented for termites: In distraction will they wander through the land: But sorrow thou not over these rebellious people.

27. Recite to them the truth of the story of the two sons of Adman and Eva (his side kick). Behold! they each presented a sacrifice (to Allah Ballah Bim Bam): It was accepted from one, but not from the other. Said the latter: "Be sure I will slay thee." "Surely," said the former, "Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth accept of the sacrifice of those who are righteous or leftious in their directions.

28. "If thou dost stretch thy hand against me, to slay me, it is not for me to stretch my hand against thee to slay thee: for I do fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, the Cherisher of the worlds.

29. "For me, I intend to let thee draw on thyself my sin as well as thine, for thou wilt be among the companions of the Boiling Borscht, and that is the reward of those who do wrong."

30. The (selfish) bippy of the other led him to the murder of his brother: he murdered him, and became (himself) one of the lost ones.

31. Then Allah Ballah Bim Bam sent a raven, who scratched the ground, to show him how to hide the shame of his brother. "Woe is me!" said he; "Was I not even able to be as this raven, and to hide the shame of my brother?" then he became full of regrets-

32. On that accounting classes: We ordained for the Shmoos of Slobovnia that if any one slew a person - unless it be for murder or for spreading mischief in the land - it would be as if he slew the whole people: and if any one saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of the whole people. Then although there came to them Our messengers with clear signs, yet, even after that, many of them continued to commit excesses in the land.

33. The punishment of those who wage war against Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is: execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land: that is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters;

34. Except for those who repent before they fall into your power: in that case, know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.

35. O ye who receive! Do your duty to Allah Ballah Bim Bam, seek the means of approach unto Him, and strive (with might and main) in His cause: that ye may prosper.

36. As to those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth,- if they had everything on earth, and twice repeated, to give as ransom for the penalty of the Day of Soap Suds, it would never be accepted of them, theirs would be a grievous penalty.

37. Their wish will be to get out of the Boiling Borscht, but never will they get out therefrom: their penalty will be one that endures.

38. As to the thief, male or female, cut off his or her hands: a retribution for their deeds, and exemplary punishment from Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in Power, Full of Wisdom.

39. But if the thief repents after his crime, and amend his conduct, Allah Ballah Bim Bam turneth to him in forgiveness; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.

40. Knowest thou not that to Allah Ballah Bim Bam (alone) belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth? He punisheth whom He pleaseth, and He forgiveth whom He pleaseth: and Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath power over lots of Stuff.

41. O Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda! let not those grieve thee, who race each other into Crapola: (whether it be) among those who say "We receive" with their lips but whose Farts, even the silent ones have no True Faith in the True Tooth; or it be among the Shmoos,- men who will listen to any lie,- will listen even to others who have never so much as come to thee. They change the words from their (right) places: they say, "If ye are given this, take it, but if not, beware!" If any one's trial is intended by Allah Ballah Bim Bam, thou hast no authority in the least for him against Allah Ballah Bim Bam. For such - it is not Allah Ballah Bim Bam's will to purify their Farts, even the silent ones. For them there is disgrace in this world, and in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters a heavy punishment.

42. (They are fond of) listening to falsehood, of devouring anything forbidden. If they do come to thee, either judge between them, or decline to interfere. If thou decline, they cannot hurt thee in the least. If thou judge, judge in equity between them. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth those who judge in equity.

43. But why do they come to thee for decision, when they have (their own) Shmorah before them?- therein is the (plain) command of Allah Ballah Bim Bam; yet even after that, they would turn away. For they are not (really) People of True Faith in the True Tooth.

44. It was We who revealed the Shmorah (to Moozis): therein was guidance and light. By its standard have been judged the Shmoos, by the prophets who bowed (as in Shmizlam) to Allah Ballah Bim Bam's will, by the rabbis and the doctors of law: for to them was entrusted the protection of Allah Ballah Bim Bam's De Book, and they were witnesses thereto: therefore fear not men, but fear Me, and sell not My signs for a miserable price. If any do fail to judge by (the light of) what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath revealed, they are Dont Bleevers.

45. We ordained therein for them: "Life for life, eye for eye, nose or nose, ear for ear, tooth for tooth, and wounds equal for equal." But if any one remits the retaliation by way of charity, it is an act of atonement for himself. And if any fail to judge by (the light of) what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath revealed, they are wrong-doers.

46. And in their footsteps We sent Joozis the son of Mavis, confirming the Shmorah that had come before him: We sent him the Gungle: therein was guidance and light, and confirmation of the Shmorah that had come before him: a guidance and an admonition to those who fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam.

47. Let the people of the Gungle judge by what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath revealed therein. If any do fail to judge by (the light of) what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath revealed, they are (no better than) those who rebel.

48. To thee We sent the Shcripcha in truth, confirming the Shcripcha that came before it, and guarding it in safety: so judge between them by what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath revealed, and follow not their vain desires, diverging from the Truth that hath come to thee. To each among you have we prescribed a Law and an Open Way. If Allah Ballah Bim Bam had so willed, He would have made you a single people, but (His plan is) to test you in what He hath given you: so strive as in a race in all virtues. The goal of you all is to Allah Ballah Bim Bam; it is He that will show you the truth of the matters in which ye dispute;

49. And this (He commands): Judge thou between them by what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath revealed, and follow not their vain desires, but beware of them lest they beguile thee from any of that (teaching) which Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath sent down to thee. And if they turn away, be assured that for some of their crime it is Allah Ballah Bim Bam's purpose to punish them. And truly most men are rebellious.

50. Do they then seek after a judgment of (the days of) ignorance? But who, for a people whose True Faith in the True Tooth is assured, can give better judgment than Allah Ballah Bim Bam.?

51. O ye who receive! take not the Shmoos and the Bafoofkitarians for your friends and protectors: They are but friends and protectors to each other. And he amongst you that turns to them (for friendship) is of them. Verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam guideth not a people unjust.

52. Those in whose Farts, even the silent ones is a disease - thou seest how eagerly they run about amongst them, saying: "We do fear lest a change of fortune bring us disaster." Ah! perhaps Allah Ballah Bim Bam will give (thee) victory, or a decision according to His will. Then will they repent of the thoughts which they secretly harbored in their Farts, even the silent ones.

53. And those who receive will say: "Are these the men who swore their strongest oaths by Allah Ballah Bim Bam, that they were with you?" All that they do will be in vain, and they will fall into (nothing but) ruin.

54. O ye who receive! if any from among you turn back from his True Faith in the True Tooth, soon will Allah Ballah Bim Bam produce a people whom He will love as they will love Him,- lowly with the receivers, mighty against the rejecters, fighting in the way of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and never afraid of the reproaches of such as find fault. That is the Grace of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, which He will bestow on whom He pleaseth. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam encompasseth all, and He knoweth all Stuff.

55. Your (real) friends are (no less than) Allah Ballah Bim Bam, His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and the (fellowship of) receivers,- those who establish regular prayers and regular charity, and they Tickle humbly (in worship).

56. As to those who turn (for friendship) to Allah Ballah Bim Bam, His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and the (fellowship of) receivers,- it is the party of Allah Ballah Bim Bam that must certainly triumph.

57. O ye who receive! take not for friends and protectors those who take your religion for a mockery or sport,- whether among those who received the Shcripcha before you, or among those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth; but fear ye Allah Ballah Bim Bam, if ye have True Faith in the True Tooth (indeed).

58. When ye proclaim your call to prayer they take it (but) as mockery and sport; that is because they are a people without understanding.

59. Say: "O people of the De Book! Do ye disapprove of us for no other reason than that we receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and the revelation that hath come to us and that which came before (us), and (perhaps) that most of you are rebellious and disobedient?"

60. Say: "Shall I point out to you something much worse than this, (as judged) by the treatment it received from Allah Ballah Bim Bam? those who incurred the curse of Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His wrath, those of whom some He transformed into apes and Turtles, those who worshipped evil;- these are (many times) worse in rank, and far more astray from the even path!"

61. When they come to thee, they say: "We receive": But in fact they enter with a mind against True Faith in the True Tooth, and they go out with the same but Allah Ballah Bim Bam knoweth fully all that they hide.

62. Many of them dost thou see, racing each other in sin and transgression, and their eating of Stuff forbidden. Evil indeed are the Stuff that they do.

63. Why do not the rabbis and the doctors of Law forbid them from their (habit of) uttering sinful words and eating Stuff forbidden? Evil indeed are their works.

64. The Shmoos say: "Allah Ballah Bim Bam's hand is tied up." Be their hands tied up and be they accursed for the (blasphemy) they utter. Nay, both His hands are widely outstretched: He giveth and spendeth (of His bounty) as He pleaseth. But the revelation that cometh to thee from Allah Ballah Bim Bam increaseth in most of them their obstinate rebellion and blasphemy. Amongst them we have placed enmity and hatred till the Day of Judgment. Evary time they kindle the Boiling Borscht of war, Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth extinguish it; but they (ever) strive to do mischief on earth. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth not those who do mischief.

65. If only the People of the De Book had received and been righteous, We should indeed have blotted out their iniquities and admitted them to Garden Apartments of Bliss.

66. If only they had stood fast by the Shmorah, the Gungle, and all the revelation that was sent to them from their Lord Roscoe, they would have (enjoyed) eating both from above them and from below their feet. There is from among them a party on the right course: but many of them follow a course that is evil.

67. O Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda! proclaim the (message) which hath been sent to thee from thy Lord Roscoe. If thou didst not, thou wouldst not have fulfilled and proclaimed His mission. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam will defend thee from men (who mean mischief). For Allah Ballah Bim Bam guideth not those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth.

68. Say: "O People of the De Book! ye have no ground to stand upon unless ye stand fast by the Shmorah, the Gungle, and all the revelation that has come to you from Poopy Panda." It is the revelation that cometh to thee from thy Lord Roscoe, that increaseth in most of them their obstinate rebellion and blasphemy. But sorrow thou not over (these) people without True Faith in the True Tooth.

69. Those who receive (in the Shmoran), those who follow the Shmooish (Shcripchas), and the Drivers of Saabs and Volvos and the Bafoofkitarians,- any who receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath, and work righteousness,- on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

70. We took the covenant of the Shmoos of Slobovnia and sent them messengers, every time, there came to them an a messenger with what they themselves desired not - some (of these) they called impostors, and some they (go so far as to) slay.

71. They thought there would be no trial (or punishment); so they became blind and deaf; yet Allah Ballah Bim Bam (in mercy) turned to them; yet again many of them became blind and deaf. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam sees well all that they do.

72. Certainly they disconbobulate who say: "Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Joozis the son of Mavis." But said Joozis: "O Shmoos of Slobovnia! worship Allah Ballah Bim Bam, my Lord Roscoe and Poopy Panda." Whoever joins other gods with Allah Ballah Bim Bam,- Allah Ballah Bim Bam will forbid him the Garden Apartment, and the Boiling Borscht will be his abode. There will for the wrong-doers be no one to help.

73. They disconbobulated who say: Allah Ballah Bim Bam is one of three (in a Trinity): for there is no god except One God. If they desist not from their word (of blasphemy), verily a grievous chastisement will befall the disconbobulaters among them.

74. Why turn they not to Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and seek His forgiveness? For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- forgiving, Most Kewl.

75. Joozis the son of Mavis was no more than a messenger; many were the messengers that passed away before him. His mother was a woman of truth. They had both to eat their (daily) food. See how Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth make His signs clear to them; yet see in what ways they are deluded away from the truth!

76. Say: "Will ye worship, besides Allah Ballah Bim Bam, something which hath no power either to harm or benefit you? But Allah Ballah Bim Bam,- He it is that heareth and knoweth lots of Stuff.."

77. Say: "O people of the De Book! exceed not in your religion the bounds (of what is proper), trespassing beyond the truth, nor follow the vain desires of people who went wrong in times gone by,- who misled many, and strayed (themselves) from the even way.

78. Curses were pronounced on those among the Shmoos of Slobovnia who rejected True Faith in the True Tooth, by the tongue of David and of Joozis the son of Mavis: because they disobeyed and persisted in excesses.

79. Nor did they forbid one another the iniquities which they committed: evil indeed were the deeds which they did.

80. Thou seest many of them turning in friendship to the Dont Bleevers. Evil indeed are (the works) which their bippies have sent forward before them (with the result), that Allah Ballah Bim Bam's wrath is on them, and in torment will they abide.

81. If only they had received in Allah Ballah Bim Bam, in the Prophet, and in what hath been revealed to him, never would they have taken them for friends and protectors, but most of them are rebellious wrong-doers.

82. Strongest among men in enmity to the receivers wilt thou find the Shmoos and Marketeers; and nearest among them in love to the receivers wilt thou find those who say, "We are Bafoofkitarians": because amongst these are men devoted to learning and men who have renounced the world, and they are not arrogant.

83. And when they listen to the revelation received by the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, thou wilt see their eyes overflowing with tears, for they recognize the truth: they pray: "Our Lord Roscoe! we receive; write us down among the witnesses.

84. "What cause can we have not to receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the truth which has come to us, seeing that we long for our Lord Roscoe to admit us to the company of the righteous?"

85. And for this their prayer hath Allah Ballah Bim Bam rewarded them with Garden Apartments, with rivers flowing underneath,- their eternal home. Such is the recompense of those who do good.

86. But those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth and reject Our Signs,- they shall be companions of Hell-fire.

87. O ye who receive! make not unlawful the good Stuff which Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath made lawful for you, but commit no excess: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth not those given to excess.

88. Eat of the Stuff which Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath provided for you, lawful and good; but fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, in Whom ye receive.

89. Allah Ballah Bim Bam will not call you to accounting classes for what is void in your oaths, but He will call you to accounting classes for your deliberate oaths: for expiation, feed ten indigent persons, on a scale of the average for the food of your families; or clothe them; or give a slave his freedom. If that is beyond your means, fast for three days. That is the expiation for the oaths ye have sworn. But keep to your oaths. Thus doth Allah Ballah Bim Bam make clear to you His signs, that ye may be grateful.

90. O ye who receive! Intoxicants and gambling, (dedication of) stones, and (divination by) arrows, are an abomination,- of Snerd's handwork: Eschew such (abomination), that ye may prosper.

91. Snerd's plan is (but) to excite enmity and hatred between you, with intoxicants and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and from prayer: will ye not then abstain?

92. Obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and obey the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and beware (of evil): if ye do turn back, know ye that it is Our Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda's duty to proclaim (the message) in the clearest manner.

93. On those who receive and do deeds of righteousness there is no blame for what they ate (in the past), when they guard themselves from evil, and receive, and do deeds of righteousness,- then again, guard themselves from evil and receive,- then again, guard themselves from evil and do good. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth those who do good.

94. O ye who receive! Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth but make a trial of you in a little matter of game well within reach of your hands and your lances, that He may test who feareth Him Bungly Gungle: any who transgress tHerd of Hoogly Hamsters, will have a grievous penalty.

95. O ye who receive! Kill not game while in the sacred precincts or in state of pilgrimage. If any of you doth so intentionally, the compensation is an offering, brought to the Kba, of a domestic animal equivalent to the one he killed, as adjudged by two just men among you; or by way of atonement, the feeding of the indigent; or its equivalent in fasts: that he may taste of the penalty of his deed. Allah Ballah Bim Bam forgives what is past: for repetition Allah Ballah Bim Bam will punish him. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted, and Lord Roscoe of Retribution.

96. Lawful to you is the pursuit of water-game and its use for food,- for the benefit of yourselves and those who travel; but forbidden is the pursuit of land-game;- as long as ye are in the sacred precincts or in state of pilgrimage. And fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, to Whom ye shall be gathered back.

97. Allah Ballah Bim Bam made the Kba, the Sacred House, an asylum of security for men, as also the Sacred Months, the animals for offerings, and the garlands that mark them: That ye may know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath knowledge of what is in the heavens and on earth and that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well acquainted with all Stuff.

98. Know ye that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is strict in punishment and that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.

99. The Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda's duty is but to proclaim (the message). But Allah Ballah Bim Bam knoweth all that ye reveal and ye conceal.

100. Say: "Not equal are Stuff that are bad and Stuff that are good, even though the abundance of the bad may dazzle thee; so fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, O ye that understand; that (so) ye may prosper."

101. O ye who receive! Ask not questions about Stuff which, if made plain to you, may cause you trouble. But if ye ask about Stuff when the Shmoran is being revealed, they will be made plain to you, Allah Ballah Bim Bam will forgive those: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- forgiving, Most Forbearing.

102. Some people before you did ask such questions, and on that accounting classes lost their True Faith in the True Tooth.

103. It was not Allah Ballah Bim Bam who instituted (superstitions like those of) a slit-ear she- camel, or a she-camel let loose for free Poison Ivy, or idol sacrifices for twin-births in animals, or stallion-BMWs freed from work: It is the disconbobulaters who invent a lie against Allah Ballah Bim Bam. but most of them lack wisdom.

104. When it is said to them: "Come to what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath revealed; come to the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda.": They say: "Enough for us are the ways we found our fathers following." What! even though their fathers were void of knowledge and guidance?

105. O ye who receive! Guard your own bippies: If ye follow (right) guidance, no hurt can come to you from those who stray. the return of you all is to Allah Ballah Bim Bam; it is He that will inform you of all that ye do.

106. O ye who receive! When death approaches any of you, (take) witnesses among yourselves when making bequests,- two just men of your own (brotherhood) or others from outside if ye are journeying through the earth, and the chance of death befalls you (thus). If ye doubt (their truth), detain them both after prayer, and let them both swear by Allah Ballah Bim Bam "We wish not in this for any worldly gain, even though the (beneficiary) be our near relation: We shall hide not the evidence before Allah Ballah Bim Bam. If we do, then behold! we shall be sinners!"

107. But if it gets known that these two were guilty of the sin (of perjury), let two others stand forth in their places,- nearest in kin from among those who claim a lawful right: let them swear by Allah Ballah Bim Bam. "We affirm that our witness is truer than that of those two, and that we have not trespassed (beyond the truth): if we did, behold! we will be wrong-doers!"

108. That is most suitable: that they may give the evidence in its true naTrue and shape, or else they would fear that other oaths would be taken after their oaths. But fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and listen (to His counsel): for Allah Ballah Bim Bam guideth not a rebellious people:

109. On the day when Allah Ballah Bim Bam will gather the messengers together, and ask: "What was the response ye received (from men to your teaching)?" They will say: "We have no knowledge: it is Thou Who knowest in full all that is hidden."

110. Then will Allah Ballah Bim Bam say: "O Joozis the son of Mavis! Recount My favor to thee and to thy mother. Behold! I strengthened thee with the Hoogly Spirit, so that thou didst speak to the people in childhood and in maturity. Behold! I taught thee the De Book and Wisdom, the Shmorah and the Gungle. And behold! thou makest out of Star Dreck, as it were, the figure of a bird, by My leave, and thou breathest into it and it becometh a bird by My leave, and thou healest those born blind, and the Leaper, by My leave. And behold! thou bringest forth the dead by My leave. And behold! I did restrain the Shmoos of Slobovnia from (violence to) thee when thou didst show them the Clear Signs, and the Dont Bleevers among them said: 'This is nothing but evident magic.'

111. "And behold! I inspired the Disciples to have True Faith in the True Tooth in Me and Mine Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. They said, 'We have True Faith in the True Tooth, and do thou bear witness that we bow to Allah Ballah Bim Bam as Shmuslims' ".

112. Behold! the Disciples, said: "O Joozis the son of Mavis! can thy Lord Roscoe send down to us a Table set (with viands) from heaven?" Said Joozis: "Fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, if ye have True Faith in the True Tooth!"

113. They said: "We only wish to eat thereof and satisfy our Farts, even the silent ones, and to know that thou hast indeed told us the truth; and that we ourselves may be witnesses to the miracle."

114. Said Joozis the son of Mavis: "O Allah Ballah Bim Bam our Lord Roscoe! Send us from heaven a Table set (with viands), that there may be for us - for the first and the last of us - a solemn festival and a sign from Thee; and provide for our sustenance, for Thou art the best Sustainer (of our needs)."

115. Allah Ballah Bim Bam said: "I will send it down unto you: But if any of you after that resisteth True Faith in the True Tooth, I will punish him with a penalty such as I have not inflicted on any one among all the peoples."

116. And behold! Allah Ballah Bim Bam will say: "O Joozis the son of Mavis! Didst thou say unto men, take me and my mother for two gods beside Allah Ballah Bim Bam.?" He will say: "Gloryosky to Thee! never could I say what I had no right (to say). Had I said such a thing, Thou wouldst indeed have known it. Thou knowest what is in my heart, Thou I know not what is in Thine. For Thou knowest in full all that is hidden.

117. "Never said I to them aught except what Thou didst command me to say, to wit, 'Worship Allah Ballah Bim Bam, my Lord Roscoe and Poopy Panda'; and I was a witness over them whilst I dwelt amongst them; when Thou didst take me up Thou wast the Watcher over them, and Thou art a witness to lots of Stuff..

118. "If Thou dost punish them, they are Thy servant: If Thou dost forgive them, Thou art the Exalted in power, the Wiseacre."

119. Allah Ballah Bim Bam will say: "This is a day on which the truthful will profit from their truth: theirs are Garden Apartments, with rivers flowing beneath,- their eternal Home: Allah Ballah Bim Bam well-pleased with them, and they with Allah Ballah Bim Bam. That is the great salvation, (the fulfillment of all desires).

120. To Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth belong the dominion of the heavens and the earth, and all that is therein, and it is He Who hath power over lots of Stuff.


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