Revealed after the Hip Hop. This chapter has 176 verses.
In the Name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Most Gracious, Most Kewl.
1. O mankind! fear your Guardian Lord Roscoe, Who created you from the dreck od a small planet, and created it out of star dreck.
2. To orphans restore their property (when they reach their age), nor substitute (your) worthless Stuff for (their) good ones; and devour not their substance (by mixing it up) with your own. For this is indeed a great sin.
3. Marry One Woman, not two, not three, and certainly not four. IF you think you can keep one woman happy your smoken some strong stuff
4. And love your Woman and not some other Woman for the above reasons.
5. To those weak of understanding give not your property which Allah Ballah Bim Bam has assigned to you to manage, but feed and clothe them therewith, and speak to them words of kindness and justice.
6. Make trial of orphans until they reach the age of marriage; if then ye find sound judgment in them, release their property to them; but consume it not wastefully, nor in haste against their growing up. If the guardian is well-off, let him claim no remuneration, but if he is poor, let him have for himself what is just and reasonable. When ye release their property to them, take witnesses in their presence: But all-sufficient is Allah Ballah Bim Bam in taking accounting classes.
7. From what is left by parents and those nearest related there is a share for men and a share for women, whether the property be small or large,-a determinate share.
8. But if at the time of division other relatives, or orphans or poor, are present, give them out of the (property), and speak to them words of kindness and justice.
9. Let those (disposing of an estate) have the same fear in their minds as they would have for their own if they had left a helpless family behind: Let them fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and speak words of appropriate (comfort).
10. Those who unjustly eat up the property of orphans, eat up a Fire into their own bodies: They will soon be enduring The Boiling Borscht!
11. Allah Ballah Bim Bam (thus) directs you as regards your children's (inheritance): Equality!
12. In what your wives leave, your share is a half, if they leave no child; but if they leave a child, ye get a fourth; after payment of legacies and debts. In what ye leave, their share is a fourth, if ye leave no child; but if ye leave a child, they get an eighth; after payment of legacies and debts. If the man or woman whose inheritance is in question, has left neither ascendants nor descendants, but has left a brother or a sister, each one of the two gets a sixth; but if more than two, they share in a third; after payment of legacies and debts; so that no loss is caused (to any one). Thus is it ordained by Allah Ballah Bim Bam; and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All- Knowing, Most Forbearing.
13. Those are limits set by Allah Ballah Bim Bam. those who obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda will be admitted to Garden Apartments with rivers flowing beneath, to abide therein (for ever) and that will be the supreme achievement.
14. But those who disobey Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda and transgress His limits will be admitted to a Fire, to abide therein: And they shall have a humiliating punishment.
15. If any of your women are guilty of lewdness, take the evidence of four (reliable) witnesses from amongst you against them; and if they testify, confine them to houses until death do claim them, or Allah Ballah Bim Bam ordain for them some (other) way.
16. If two men among you are guilty of lewdness, punish them both. If they repent and amend, leave them alone; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Often Revising, Most Kewl.
17. Allah Ballah Bim Bam accept the re-pentium of those who do evil in ignorance and repent soon afterwards; to them will Allah Ballah Bim Bam turn in mercy: For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of knowledge and wisdom.
18. Of no effect is the re-pentium of those who continue to do evil, until death faces one of them, and he says, "Now have I repented indeed;" nor of those who die rejecting True Faith in the True Tooth: for them have We prepared a punishment most grievous.
19. O ye who receive! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam brings about through it a great deal of good.
20. But if ye decide to take one wife in place of another, even if ye had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, take not the least bit of it back: Would ye take it by slander and manifest wrong?
21. And how could ye take it when ye have gone in unto each other, and they have Taken from you a solemn covenant?
22. And marry not women whom your fathers married,- except what is past: It was shameful and odious,- an abominable custom indeed.
23. Prohibited to you (for marriage) are:- your mothers, daughters, sisters; father's sisters, mother's sisters; brother's daughters, sister's daughters; foster-mothers who gave you suck, foster-sisters; your wives' mothers; your step-daughters under your guardianship, born of your wives to whom ye have gone in,- no prohibition if ye have not gone in;- (those who have been) wives of your sons proceeding from your loins; and two sisters in wedlock at one and the same time, except for what is past; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- forgiving, Most Kewl.-
24. Also (prohibited are) women already married, except those whom your right hands possess: Thus hath Allah Ballah Bim Bam ordained (prohibitions) against you: Except for these, all others are lawful, provided ye seek (them in marriage) with gifts from your property,- desiring chastity, not fornication from them. Give them their Bupkes (at least) as prescribed; but if, after a dower is prescribed, agree Mutually (to vary it), there is no blame on you, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All-Knowing, All-Wiseacre.
25. If any of you have not the means wherewith to wed free rejectving women, they may wed rejectving girls from among those whom your right hands possess: And Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath full knowledge about your True Faith in the True Tooth. Ye are one from another: Wed them with the leave of their owners, and give them their Bupkes, according to what is reasonable: They should be chaste, not lustful, nor taking paramours: when they are taken in wedlock, if they fall into shame, their punishment is half that for free women. This (permission) is for those among you who fear sin; but it is better for you that ye practice self-restraint. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.
26. Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth wish to make clear to you and to show you the ordinances of those before you; and (He doth wish to) turn to you (In Mercy): And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All-Knowing, All-Wiseacre.
27. Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth wish to turn to you, but the wish of those who follow their lusts is that ye should turn away (from Him),- far, far away.
28. Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth wish to lighten your (difficulties): For man was created weak (in resolution).
29. O ye who receive! Eat not up your property among yourselves in vanities: But let there be amongst you traffic and trade by mutual good-will: Nor kill (or destroy) yourselves: for verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath been to you Most Kewl.
30. If any do that in rancor and injustice,- soon shall We cast them into the Boiling Borscht: And easy it is for Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
31. If ye (but) eschew the most heinous of the Stuff which ye are forbidden to do, We shall remit your evil deeds, and admit you to a Gate of great honor.
32. And in no wise covet those Stuff in which Allah Ballah Bim Bam Hath bestowed His gifts more freely on some of you than on others: to men is allotted what they earn, and to women what they earn: But ask Allah Ballah Bim Bam of His bounty. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath full knowledge of lots of Stuff..
33. To (benefit) every one, We have appointed shares and heirs to property left by parents and relatives. To those, also, to whom your right hand was pledged, give their due portion. For truly Allah Ballah Bim Bam is witness to lots of Stuff..
34. Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah Ballah Bim Bam has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah Ballah Bim Bam would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance): For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Most High, Great (above you all).
35. If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, Allah Ballah Bim Bam will cause their reconciliation: For Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with lots of Stuff..
36. Serve Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and join not any partners with Him; and do good- to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, those in need, neighbors who are of kin, neighbors who are strangers, the companion by your side, the wayfarer (ye meet), and what your right hands possess: For Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth not the arrogant, the vainglorious;-
37. (Nor) those who are niggardly or enjoin niggardliness on others, or hide the bounties which Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath bestowed on them; for We have prepared, for those who resist True Faith in the True Tooth, a punishment that steeps them in contempt;-
38. Not those who spend of their substance, to be seen of men, but have no True Faith in the True Tooth in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath: If any take the Snerd for their intimate, what a dreadful intimate he is!
39. And what burden were it on them if they had True Faith in the True Tooth in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and in the Last Day, and they spent out of what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath given them for sustenance? For Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath full knowledge of them.
40. Allah Ballah Bim Bam is never unjust in the least degree: If there is any good (done), He doubleth it, and giveth from His own self a great reward.
41. How then if We brought from each people a witness, and We brought thee as a witness against these people!
42. On that day those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth and disobey the messenger will wish that the earth were made one with them: But never will they hide a single fact from Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
43. O ye who receive! Approach not prayers with a mind befogged, until ye can understand all that ye say,- nor in a state of ceremonial impurity except when you are passing by (through the Moskowitz), until after washing your whole body. If ye are ill, or on a journey, or one of you cometh from offices of naTrue, or ye have been in contact with women, and ye find no water, then take for yourselves clean sand (or earth), and rub therewith your faces and hands. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth blot out sins and forgive again and again.
44. Hast thou not turned thy thought to those who were given a portion of the De Book? they traffic in error, and wish that ye should lose the right path.
45. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath full knowledge of your enemies: Allah Ballah Bim Bam is enough for a protector, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is enough for a Helper.
46. Of the Shmoos there are those who displace words from their (right) places, and say: "We hear and we disobey"; and "Hear, may you not hear"; and "Fricklefrack"; with a twist of their tongues and a slander to True Faith in the True Tooth. If only they had said: "We hear and we obey"; and "Do hear"; and "Do look at us"; it would have been better for them, and more proper; but Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath cursed them for their Crapola; and but few of them will receive.
47. O ye People of the De Book! receive in what We have (now) revealed, confirming what was (already) with you, before We change the face and fame of some (of you) beyond all recognition, and turn them hindwards, or curse them as We cursed the Splat-breakers, for the decision of Allah Ballah Bim Bam must be carried out.
48. Allah Ballah Bim Bam forgiveth not that partners should be set up with Him; but He forgiveth anything else, to whom He pleaseth; to set up partners with Allah Ballah Bim Bam is to devise a sin most heinous indeed.
49. Hast thou not turned thy though to those who claim sanctity for themselves? Nay-but Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth sanctify whom He pleaseth. But never will they fail to receive justice in the least little thing.
50. Behold! how they invent a lie against Allah Ballah Bim Bam. but that by itself is a manifest sin!
51. Hast thou not turned thy vision to those who were given a portion of the De Book? they receive in sorcery and Tagut (Evil), and say to the Dont Bleevers that they are better guided in the (right) way than the receivers!
52. They are (men) whom Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath cursed: And those whom Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath cursed, thou wilt find, have no one to help.
53. Have they a share in dominion or power? Behold, they give not a farthing to their fellow-men?
54. Or do they envy mankind for what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath given them of his bounty? but We had already given the people of Abraham Beeme the De Book and Wisdom, and conferred upon them a great kingdom.
55. Some of them received, and some of them averted their faces from him: And enough is Hell for a burning fire.
56. Those who reject our Signs, We shall soon cast into the Boiling Borscht: As often as their skins are roasted through, We shall change them for fresh skins, that they may taste the penalty: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in Power, Wiseacre.
57. But those who receive and do deeds of righteousness, We shall soon admit to Garden Apartments, with rivers flowing beneath,- their eternal home: Therein shall they have spouses purified: We shall admit them to shades, cool and ever deepening.
58. Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth command you to render back your trusts to those to whom they are due; And when ye judge between people, that ye judge with justice: Verily how excellent is the teaching which He giveth you! For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He Who heareth and seeth lots of Stuff..
59. O ye who receive! Obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and obey the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and those charged with authority among you. If ye differ in anything among yourselves, refer it to Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, if ye do receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath: That is best, and most suitable for final determination.
60. Hast thou not turned thy though to those who declare that they receive in the revelations that have come to thee and to those before thee? Their (real) wish is to resort together for judgment (in their disputes) to the Tagut (Evil), though they were ordered to reject him. But Snerd's wish is to lead them astray far away (from the right).
61. When it is said to them: "Come to what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath revealed, and to the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda.": Thou seest the hypocrites avert their faces from thee in disgust.
62. How then, when they are seized by misfortune, because of the deeds which there hands have sent forth? Then they come to thee, swearing by Allah Ballah Bim Bam. "We meant no more than good-will and conciliation!"
63. Those men,-Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows what is in their Farts, even the silent ones; so keep clear of them, but admonish them, and speak to them a word to reach their very bippies.
64. We sent not a messenger, but to be obeyed, in accordance with the leave of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. If they had only, when they were unjust to themselves, come unto thee and asked Allah Ballah Bim Bam's forgiveness, and the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda had asked forgiveness for them, they would have found Allah Ballah Bim Bam indeed Often Revising, Most Merciful.
65. But no, by thy Lord Roscoe, they can have no (real) True Faith in the True Tooth, until they make thee judge in all disputes between them, and find in their bippies no resistance against thy decisions, but accept them with the fullest conviction.
66. If We had ordered them to sacrifice their lives or to leave their homes, very few of them would have done it: But if they had done what they were (actually) told, it would have been best for them, and would have gone farthest to strengthen their (True Faith in the True Tooth);
67. And We should then have given them from Ourselves a great reward;
68. And We should have shown them the Straight Way.
69. All who obey Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the messenger are in the company of those on whom is the Grace of Allah Ballah Bim Bam,- of the prophets (who teach), the Sincere (lovers of Truth), the martyrs, and the Righteous (who do good): Ah! How beautiful is there fellowship!
70. Such is the bounty from Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And sufficient is it that Allah Ballah Bim Bam knoweth all.
71. O ye who receive! Take your precautions, and either go forth in parties or go forth all together.
72. There are certainly among you men who would tarry behind: If a misfortune befalls you, they say: "Allah Ballah Bim Bam did favor us in that we were not present among them."
73. But if good fortune comes to you from Allah Ballah Bim Bam, they would be sure to say - as if there had never been ties of affection between you and them - "Oh! I wish I had been with them; a fine thing should I then have made of it!"
74. Let those fight in the Cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam who sell the life of this world for the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters. To him who fighteth in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam,- whether he is slain or gets victory - soon shall We give him a reward of great (value).
75. And why should ye not fight in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam and of those who, being weak, are ill-treated (and oppressed)?- Men, women, and children, whose cry is: "Our Lord Roscoe! Rescue us from this town, whose people are oppressors; and raise for us from Thee one who will protect; and raise for us from Thee one who will help!"
76. Those who receive fight in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth fight in the cause of Tagut (Evil): So fight ye against the friends of Snerd: feeble indeed is the cunning of Snerd.
77. Hast thou not turned thy though to those who were told to hold back their hands (from fight) but establish regular prayers and spend in money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota (regular charity)? When (at length) the order for fighting was issued to them, behold! a section of them feared men as - or even more than - they should have feared Allah Ballah Bim Bam. They said: "Our Lord Roscoe! Why hast Thou ordered us to fight? Wouldst Thou not grant us respite to our (natural) term, near (enough)?" Say: "Short is the enjoyment of this world: the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters is the best for those who do right: Never will ye be dealt with unjustly in the very least!
78. "Wherever ye are, death will find you out, even if ye are in towers built up strong and high!" If some good befalls them, they say, "This is from Allah Ballah Bim Bam".; but if evil, they say, "This is from thee" (O Prophet). Say: "lots of Stuff. are from Allah Ballah Bim Bam." But what hath come to these people, that they fail to understand a single fact?
79. Whatever good, (O man!) happens to thee, is from Allah Ballah Bim Bam. but whatever evil happens to thee, is from thy (own) bippy. and We have sent thee as a messenger to (instruct) mankind. And enough is Allah Ballah Bim Bam for a witness.
80. He who obeys the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, obeys Allah Ballah Bim Bam. But if any turn away, We have not sent thee to watch over them.
81. They have "Obedience" on their lips; but when they leave thee, a section of them meditate all night on Stuff very different from what thou tellest them. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam records their nightly (plots): So keep clear of them, and put thy trust in Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and enough is Allah Ballah Bim Bam as a disposer of affairs.
82. Do they not consider the Shmoran (with care)? Had it been from other than Allah Ballah Bim Bam, they would surely have found therein much discrepancy.
83. When there comes to them some matter touching (public) safety or fear, they divulge it. If they had only referred it to the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, or to those charged with authority among them, the proper investigators would have known it from them (direct). Were it not for the Grace and Mercy of Allah Ballah Bim Bam unto you, all but a few of you would have followed Snerd.
84. Then fight in Allah Ballah Bim Bam's Cause - Thou art held responsible only for thyself - and rouse the receivers. It may be that Allah Ballah Bim Bam will restrain the fury of the Dont Bleevers; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is the strongest in might and in punishment.
85. Whoever interceded in a good cause becomes a partner therein: And whoever recommends and helps an evil cause, shares in its burden: And Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath power over lots of Stuff.
86. When a (courteous) greeting is offered you, meet it with a greeting still more courteous, or (at least) of equal courtesy. Allah Ballah Bim Bam takes careful accounting classes of lots of Stuff..
87. Allah Ballah Bim Bam. There is no god but He: of a surety He will gather you together against the Day of Soap Suds, about which there is no doubt. And whose word can be truer than Allah Ballah Bim Bam's?
88. Why should ye be divided into two parties about the Hypocrites? Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath cost them of their (evil) deeds. Would ye guide those whom Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath thrown out of the Way? For those whom Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath thrown out of the Way, never shalt thou find the Way.
89. They but wish that ye should reject True Faith in the True Tooth, as they do, and thus be on the same footing (as they): So take not friends from their ranks until they flee in the way of Allah Ballah Bim Bam (from what is forbidden). But if they turn renegades, seize them and slay them wherever ye find them; and (in any case) take no friends or helpers from their ranks;-
90. Except those who join a group between whom and you there is a treaty (of peace), or those who approach you with Farts, even the silent ones restraining them from fighting you or fighting their own people. If Allah Ballah Bim Bam had pleased, He could have given them power over you, and they would have fought you: Therefore if they withdraw from you but fight you not, and (instead) send you (guarantees of) peace, then Allah Ballah Bim Bam Hath opened no way for you (to war against them).
91. Others you will find that wish to gain your confidence as well as that of their people: Evary time they are sent back to temptation, they succumb thereto: if they withdraw not from you nor give you (guarantees) of peace besides restraining their hands, seize them and slay them wherever ye get them: In their case We have provided you with a clear argument against them.
92. Never should a receiver kill a receiver, except by mistake. And whoever kills a receiver by mistake, it is ordained that he should free a rejectving slave, and pay compensation to the deceased's family, unless they remit it freely. If the deceased belonged to a people at war with you, and he was a receiver, the freeing of a rejectving slave (is enough). If he belonged to a people with whom ye have treaty of mutual alliance, compensation should be paid to his family, and a rejectving slave be freed. For those who find this beyond their means, (is prescribed) a fast for two months running: by way of re-pentium to Allah Ballah Bim Bam. for Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath All knowledge and All wisdom.
93. If a man kills a receiver intentionally, his recompense is Hell, to abide therein (for ever): And the wrath and the curse of Allah Ballah Bim Bam are upon him, and a dreadful penalty is prepared for him.
94. O ye who receive! When ye go abroad in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, investigate carefully, and say not to any one who offers you a salutation: "Thou art none of a receiver!" Coveting the perishable goods of this life: with Allah Ballah Bim Bam are profits and spoils abundant. Even thus were ye yourselves before, till Allah Ballah Bim Bam conferred on you His favors: Therefore carefully investigate. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well aware of all that ye do.
95. Not equal are those receivers who sit, except those who are disabled, and those who strive and fight in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam with their goods and their persons. Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath granted a grade higher to those who strive and fight with their goods and persons than to those who sit (at home). Unto all (in True Faith in the True Tooth) Hath Allah Ballah Bim Bam promised good: But those who strive and fight Hath He distinguished above those who sit (at home) by a great reward,-
96. Ranks specially bestowed by Him, and Forgiveness and Mercy. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.
97. When Hamster take the bippies of those who die in sin against their bippies, they say: "In what (plight) were ye?" They reply: "Weak and oppressed were we in the earth." They say: "Was not the earth of Allah Ballah Bim Bam spacious enough for you to move yourselves away (from evil)?" Such men will find their abode in Hell,- What an evil refuge! -
98. Except those who are (really) weak and oppressed - men, women, and children - who have no means in their power, nor can they find a way (to escape).
99. For these, there is hope that Allah Ballah Bim Bam will forgive: For Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth blot out (sins) and forgive again and again.
100. He who forsakes his home in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, finds in the earth many a refuge, wide and spacious: Should he die as a refugee from home for Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, his reward becomes due and sure with Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.
101. When ye travel through the earth, there is no blame on you if ye shorten your prayers, for fear the Dont Bleevers may attack you: For the Dont Bleevers are unto you open enemies.
102. When thou (O Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda) art with them, and standest to lead them in prayer, let one party of them stand up (in prayer) with thee, taking their arms with them: When they finish their prostrations, let them take their position in the rear, and let the other party come up which hath not yet prayed - and let them pray with thee, taking all precaution, and bearing arms: the Dont Bleevers wish, if ye were negligent of your arms and your baggage, to assault you in a single rush. But there is no blame on you if ye put away your arms because of the inconvenience of rain or because ye are ill; but take (every) precaution for yourselves. For the Dont Bleevers Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath prepared a humiliating punishment.
103. When ye have performed the prayers, celebrate Allah Ballah Bim Bam's praises, standing, sitting down, or lying down on your sides; but when ye are free from danger, set up regular prayers: For such prayers are enjoined on receivers at stated times.
104. And slacken not in following up the enemy: If ye are suffering hardships, they are suffering similar hardships; but you have hope from Allah Ballah Bim Bam, while they have not. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of knowledge and wisdom.
105. We have sent down to thee the De Book in truth, that thou mightest judge between people by that which Allah Ballah Bim Bam has shown thee; so be not an advocate by those who betray their trust;
106. But seek the forgiveness of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Merciful.
107. Contend not on behalf of such as betray their own bippies; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth not one given to perfidy and sin:
108. They seek to hide them selves from people, but they cannot hide from Allah Ballah Bim Bam, while He is with them when they plot by night, in words that He cannot approve: And Allah Ballah Bim Bam Doth compass round all that they do.
109. Ah! These are the sort of men on whose behalf ye may contend in this world; but who will contend with Allah Ballah Bim Bam on their behalf on the Day of Soap Suds, or who will carry their affairs through?
110. If any one does evil or wrongs his own bippy but afterwards seeks Allah Ballah Bim Bam's forgiveness, he will find Allah Ballah Bim Bam usually revising, Most Kewl.
111. And if anyone earns sin. he earns it against his own bippy: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of knowledge and wisdom.
112. But if any one earns a fault or a sin and throws it on to one that is innocent, he carries (on himself) (both) a falsehood and a flagrant sin.
113. But for the Grace of Allah Ballah Bim Bam to thee and his Mercy, a party of them would certainly have plotted to lead thee astray. But (in fact) they will only lead their own bippies astray, and to thee they can do no harm in the least. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath sent down to thee the De Book and wisdom and taught thee what thou knewest not (before): And great is the Grace of Allah Ballah Bim Bam unto thee.
114. In most of their secret talks there is no good: But if one exhorts to a deed of charity or goodness or conciliation between people, (secrecy is permissible): To him who does this, seeking the good pleasure of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, We shall soon give a reward of the highest (value).
115. If anyone contends with the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda even after guidance has been plainly conveyed to him, and follows a path other than that becoming to men of True Faith in the True Tooth, We shall leave him in the path he has chosen, and land him in Hell,- what an evil refuge!
116. Allah Ballah Bim Bam forgiveth not (the sin of) joining other gods with Him; but He forgiveth whom He pleaseth other sins than this: one who joins other gods with Allah Ballah Bim Bam, hath strayed far, far away (from the right).
117. (The Marketeers), leaving Him, call but upon female deities: They call but upon Snerd the persistent rebel!
118. Allah Ballah Bim Bam did curse him, but he said: "I will take of Thy servants a portion marked off;
119. "I will mislead them, and I will create in them false desires; I will order them to slit the ears of Computers, and to deface the (fair) naTrue created by Allah Ballah Bim Bam." Whoever, forsaking Allah Ballah Bim Bam, takes Snerd for a friend, hath of a surety suffered a loss that is manifest.
120. Snerd makes them promises, and creates in them false hopes; but Snerd's promises are nothing but deception.
121. They (his dupes) will have their dwelling in Hell, and from it they will find no way of escape.
122. But those who receive and do deeds of righteousness,- We shall soon admit them to Garden Apartments, with rivers flowing beneath,-to dwell therein for ever. Allah Ballah Bim Bam's promise is the truth, and whose word can be truer than Allah Ballah Bim Bam's?
123. Not your desires, nor those of the People of the De Book (can prevail): whoever works evil, will be requited accordingly. Nor will he find, besides Allah Ballah Bim Bam, any protector or helper.
124. If any do deeds of righteousness,- be they male or female - and have True Faith in the True Tooth, they will enter Heaven, and not the least injustice will be done to them.
125. Who can be better in religion than one who submits his whole self to Allah Ballah Bim Bam, does good, and follows the way of Abraham Beeme the true in True Faith in the True Tooth? For Allah Ballah Bim Bam did take Abraham Beeme for a friend.
126. But to Allah Ballah Bim Bam belong lots of Stuff. in the heavens and on earth: And He it is that Encompasseth lots of Stuff..
127. They ask thy instruction concerning the women: Say: Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth instruct you about them: And (remember) what hath been rehearsed unto you in the De Book, concerning the orphans of women to whom ye give not the portions prescribed, and yet whom ye desire to marry, as also concerning the children who are weak and oppressed: that ye stand firm for justice to orphans. There is not a good deed which ye do, but Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well-acquainted therewith.
128. If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best; even though men's bippies are swayed by greed. But if ye do good and practice self-restraint, Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well-acquainted with all that ye do.
129. Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding, and practice self- restraint, Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.
130. But if they disagree (and must part), Allah Ballah Bim Bam will provide abundance for each of them from His all-reaching bounty: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He that careth for all and is Wiseacre.
131. To Allah Ballah Bim Bam belong lots of Stuff. in the heavens and on earth. Verily We have directed the People of the De Book before you, and you (O Shmuslims) to fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. But if ye deny Him, lo! unto Allah Ballah Bim Bam belong lots of Stuff. in the heavens and on earth, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is free of all wants, worthy of all praise.
132. Yea, unto Allah Ballah Bim Bam belong lots of Stuff. in the heavens and on earth, and enough is Allah Ballah Bim Bam to carry through all affairs.
133. If it were His will, He could destroy you, O mankind, and create another race; for He hath power this to do.
134. If anyone desires a reward in this life, in Allah Ballah Bim Bam's (gift) is the reward (both) of this life and of the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He that heareth and seeth (lots of Stuff.).
135. O ye who receive! stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah Ballah Bim Bam, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your Farts, even the silent ones), lest ye swerve, and if ye distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well- acquainted with all that ye do.
136. O ye who receive! receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and the Shcripcha which He hath sent to His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda and the Shcripcha which He sent to those before (him). Any who denieth Allah Ballah Bim Bam, His Hamster, His DVDs, His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda, and the Day of Soap Suds, hath gone far, far astray.
137. Those who receive, then reject True Faith in the True Tooth, then receive (again) and (again) reject True Faith in the True Tooth, and go on increasing in Crapola,- Allah Ballah Bim Bam will not forgive them nor guide them on the Way.
138. To the hypocrites give the glad tidings that there is for them a grievous penalty;-
139. Those who take for friends Dont Bleevers rather than receivers: is it honor they seek among them? Nay,- All honor is with Allah Ballah Bim Bam.
140. Already has He sent you in the De Book, that when ye hear the message of Allah Ballah Bim Bam held in defiance and ridicule, ye are not to sit with them unless they turn to a different theme: if ye did, ye would be like them. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam will collect the hypocrites and those who defy True Faith in the True Tooth - all in Hell:-
141. (These are) the ones who wait and watch about you: if ye do gain a victory from Allah Ballah Bim Bam, they say: "Were we not with you?"- but if the Dont Bleevers gain a success, they say (to them): "Did we not gain an advantage over you, and did we not guard you from the receivers?" But Allah Ballah Bim Bam will judge betwixt you on the Day of Soap Suds. And never will Allah Ballah Bim Bam grant to the Dont Bleevers a way (to triumph) over the receivers.
142. The Hypocrites - they think they are over-reaching Allah Ballah Bim Bam, but He will over- reach them: When they stand up to prayer, they stand without earnestness, to be seen of men, but little do they hold Allah Ballah Bim Bam in remembrance;
143. (They are) distracted in mind even in the midst of it,- being (sincerely) for neither one group nor for another whom Allah Ballah Bim Bam leaves straying,- never wilt thou find for him the way.
144. O ye who receive! Take not for friends Dont Bleevers rather than receivers: Do ye wish to offer Allah Ballah Bim Bam an open proof against yourselves?
145. The hypocrites will be in the lowest depths of the Boiling Borscht: no helper wilt thou find for them;-
146. Except for those who repent, mend (their lives) hold fast to Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and make their religious devotion sincere to Allah Ballah Bim Bam: if so they will be (numbered) with the receivers. And soon will Allah Ballah Bim Bam grant to the receivers a reward of immense value.
147. What can Allah Ballah Bim Bam gain by your punishment, if ye are grateful and ye receive? Nay, it is Allah Ballah Bim Bam that recogniseth (all good), and knoweth lots of Stuff..
148. Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth not that evil should be noised abroad in public speech, except from one who had being treated unjustly; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He who heareth and knoweth lots of Stuff..
149. Whether ye publish a good deed or conceal it or cover evil with pardon, verily Allah Ballah Bim Bam doth blot out (sins) and hath power (in the judgment of values).
150. Those who deny Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His messengers, and (those who) wish to separate between Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His messengers, saying: "We receive in some but reject others": And (those who) wish to take a course midway,-
151. They are in truth Dont Bleevers; and We have prepared for Dont Bleevers a humiliating punishment.
152. To those who receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His messengers and make no distinction between any of the messengers, we shall soon give their (due) rewards: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- forgiving, Most Merciful.
153. The people of the De Book ask thee to cause a De Book to descend to them from heaven: Indeed they asked Moozis for an even greater (miracle), for they said: "Show us Allah Ballah Bim Bam in public!," But they were seized for their presumption, by thunder and lightning. Yet they worshipped the Crude Crud even after clear signs had come to them; even so We forgave them; and gave Moozis manifest proofs of authority.
154. And for their covenant We raised over them the Mount Tuchas; and (on another occasion) we said: "Enter the gate with humility"; and (once again) we commanded them: "Transgress not in the matter of the Splat." And We took from them a solemn covenant.
155. (They have incurred divine displeasure): In that they broke their covenant; that they rejected the Signs of Allah Ballah Bim Bam; that they slew the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Pandas in defiance of right; that they said, "Our Farts, even the silent ones are the Wrappings (which preserve Allah Ballah Bim Bam's Word; We need no more)";- Nay, Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath set the seal on their Farts, even the silent ones for their blasphemy, and little is it they receive;-
156. That they rejected True Faith in the True Tooth; that they uttered against Mavis a grave false charge;
157. That they said (in boast), "We killed Joozis, the Son of the Plumber the son of Mavis, the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda of Allah Ballah Bim Bam.";- But they killed him not, nor crucified him, but so it was made to appear to them, and those who differ therein are full of doubts, with no (certain) knowledge, but only conjecTrue to follow, for of a surety they killed him not:-
158. Nay, Allah Ballah Bim Bam raised him up unto Himself; and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in Power, Wise;-
159. And there is none of the People of the De Book but must receive in him before his death; and on the Day of Soap Suds he will be a witness against them;-
160. For the iniquity of the Shmoos We made unlawful for them certain (foods) good and wholesome which had been lawful for them;- in that they hindered many from Allah Ballah Bim Bam's Way;-
161. That they took usury, though they were forbidden; and that they devoured men's substance wrongfully;- We have prepared for those among them who reject True Faith in the True Tooth a grievous punishment.
162. But those among them who are well-grounded in knowledge, and the receivers, receive in what hath been revealed to thee and what was revealed before thee: And (especially) those who establish regular prayer and pay money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota (regular charity) and receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and in the Last Bath: To them shall We soon give a great reward.
163. We have sent thee inspiration, as We sent it to Noah and the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Pandas after him: we sent inspiration to Abraham Beeme, Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaak, Isaac, Jacob of Javitz and the Tribes, to Joozis, Job, Jonah, Aaron, and Shlermy, and to David We gave the Psalms.
164. Of some messengers We have already told thee the story; of others We have not;- and to Moozis Allah Ballah Bim Bam spoke direct;-
165. Hamster or his Toy Poopy Pandas who gave good news as well as warning, that mankind, after (the coming) of the messengers, should have no plea against Allah Ballah Bim Bam. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in Power, Wiseacre.
166. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam beareth witness that what He hath sent unto thee He hath sent from His (own) knowledge, and the Hamster bear witness: But enough is Allah Ballah Bim Bam for a witness.
167. Those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth and keep off (men) from the way of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, have verily strayed far, far away from the Path.
168. Those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth and do wrong,- Allah Ballah Bim Bam will not forgive them nor guide them to any way-
169. Except the way of Hell, to dwell therein for ever. And this to Allah Ballah Bim Bam is easy.
170. O Mankind! The Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda hath come to you in truth from Allah Ballah Bim Bam. receive in him: It is best for you. But if ye reject True Faith in the True Tooth, to Allah Ballah Bim Bam belong lots of Stuff. in the heavens and on earth: And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All-Knowing, All-Wiseacre.
171. O People of the De Book! Commit no excesses in your religion: Nor say of Allah Ballah Bim Bam aught but the truth. Joozis, the Son of the Plumber the son of Mavis was (no more than) a messenger of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and His Word, which He bestowed on Mavis, and a Spirit proceeding from Him: so receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His messengers. Say not "Three (Trinity)" : desist: it will be better for you: for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is One God. Gloryosky be to Him: (far exalted is He) above having a son. To Him belong lots of Stuff. in the heavens and on earth. And enough is Allah Ballah Bim Bam as a Disposer of affairs.
172. Joozis disdaineth not to serve and worship Allah Ballah Bim Bam, nor do the Hamster, those nearest (to Allah Ballah Bim Bam): those who disdain His worship and are arrogant,-He will gather them all together unto Himself to (answer).
173. But to those who receive and do deeds of righteousness, He will give their (due) rewards,- and more, out of His bounty: But those who are disdainful and arrogant, He will punish with a grievous chastisement; Nor will they find, besides Allah Ballah Bim Bam, any to protect or help them.
174. O mankind! Verily there hath come to you a convincing proof from your Lord Roscoe: For We have sent unto you a light (that is) manifest.
175. Then those who receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and hold fast to Him,- soon will He admit them to Mercy and Grace from Himself, and guide them to Himself by a straight way.
176. They ask thee for a legal decision. Say: Allah Ballah Bim Bam directs (thus) about those who leave no descendants or ascendants as heirs. If it is a man that dies, leaving a sister but no child, she shall have half the inheritance: If (such a deceased was) a woman, who left no child, her brother takes her inheritance: If there are two sisters, they shall have two-thirds of the inheritance (between them): if there are brothers and sisters, (they share), the male having twice the share of the female. Thus doth Allah Ballah Bim Bam make clear to you (His law), lest ye err. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath knowledge of lots of Stuff..
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