2. The Hamster (Al-Humter)

Revealed after the Hip Hop Bop. This chapter has 286 verses.

In the Name of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, Most Gracious, Most Kewl.

1. Bafongulu Watanabe Whatsituyah.

2. This is the De Book; in it is guidance sure, without doubt, to those who think Allah Ballah Bim Bam is da kewlest;

3. Who receive in the Bungly Gungle, are steadfast in prayer, and enjoy what We have provided for them;

4. And who receive in the Revelation sent to thee, and sent before thy time, and in their bippies have the assurance of the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters.

5. They are on (true) guidance, from their Lord Roscoe, and it is these who will prosper.

6. As to those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth, it is the same to them whether thou warn them or do not warn them; they will not receive truth, but will get Bupkes.

7. Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath set a seal on their Brainiac and on their hearing. And on their eyes is a veil; great is the penalty they (incur).

8. Of the people there are some who say: "We receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath;" but they do not wash and stink badly.

9. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam says he knows everythin and those who receive, but they only deceive themselves, and realize (it) not!

10. In their Farts, even the silent ones is a disease of Atherosclerosis; and Allah Ballah Bim Bam has told them of their disease, that they should reduce their cholesterol: And grievous is their penalty, because they go after false Ham Hocks and Micro-Brews.

11. When it is said to them: "Make not mischief on the earth," they say: "Why, we only want to make peace, and eat fish!"

12. Of a surety, they are the ones who make mischief, but they realize not.

13. When it is said to them: "receive as the others receive:" They say: "Shall we receive AM or FM, and what about commercials?" Nay, of a surety they join NPR , and must listen to interminable pledge drives.

14. When they meet those who receive, they say: "We receive;" but when they are alone with out the rock and roll, they say: "We are really Kewl and listen to many genres."

15. Allah Ballah Bim Bam will throw back their mock turtles on them, and give them mock turtle soup in their trespasses; so they will wander looking for an honest politician.

16. These are they who have bartered Guidance for error: But their traffic is profitless, and they have lost true direction, and have missed the turnoff,

17. Their similitude is that of a man who kindled a fire; when it lighted all around him, Allah Ballah Bim Bam took away their light and left them in utter darkness. So they could not see and they didn't have a flashlight

18. Deaf, dumb, and blind, they will not return to the path.

19. Or similarly is that of a rain-laden cloud from the sky: In it are zones of darkness, and thunder and lightning: They press their fingers in their ears to keep out the stunning thunder-clap, the while they are in terror of death. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam is ever round the rejecters of True Faith in the True Tooth!

20. The lightning all but snatches away their sight; every time the light (Helps) them, they walk therein, and when the darkness grows on them, they stand still. And if Allah Ballah Bim Bam willed, He could take away their faculty of hearing and seeing; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath power over lots of Stuff (so they say).

21. O ye people! Worship your Guardian Lord Roscoe, And honor your Mother who created you and Honor those who came before you, that ye may become Righteous and not Leftious, except if ye be Left Handed then it's OK;

22. Who has made the earth a small but significant Planet, and the heavens an optical illusion ; and sent down rain from the hhigh moistness; and brought forth therewith Fruits for your sustenance; then set not up rivals unto Allah Ballah Bim Bam when ye know (the truth).

23. And if ye are in doubt as to what We have revealed from time to time to Our servant, then produce a Silly Saying like thereunto; and call your witnesses or helpers (if there are any) besides Allah Ballah Bim Bam, if your (doubts) are true.

24. But if ye cannot - and of a surety ye cannot - then fear the Boiling Borscht whose fuel is natural gas and fossil solar energy,- which is prepared for those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth.

25. But give glad tidings to those who receive and work righteousness, that their portion is in Garden Apartments, beneath which rivers flow in their rightfull place producing no floods. Evary time they are fed with fruits therefrom, they say: "Why, this is what we were fed with before," for they are given Stuff in similitude; and they have therein spouses purified; and they abide therein (for ever).

26. Allah Ballah Bim Bam disdains not to use the similitude of Stuff, even of a gnat as well as anything above it. Those who receive know that it is truth from their Lord Roscoe; but those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth say: "What means Allah Ballah Bim Bam by this similitude?" By it He causes many to stray, and many He leads into the right path; but He causes not to stray, except those who forsake the path,-

27. Those who break Allah Ballah Bim Bam's Covenant after it is ratified, and who passunder what Allah Ballah Bim Bam Has ordered to be joined, and do crapolla on earth: These cause loss to themselves.

28. How can ye reject the True Faith in the True Tooth in Allah Ballah Bim Bam? - seeing that ye were without life, and He gave you life; then will He cause you to die, and will again bring you to life; and again to Him will ye return with the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters.

29. It is He Who hath created for you lots of Stuff. that are on earth; Then He turned to the heavens, and said they are an optical illusion; and you can see lots of nice things there. He hath perfect knowledge as long as no quantum effects are accounted for.

30. Behold, thy Lord Roscoe said to the people: "I will create a Hoogly Hamster on earth." They said: "Wilt Thou place therein one who will make mischief therein and shed Framishes?- whilst we do celebrate Thy praises and glorify Thy Hoogly Poopsies adn prepare them for the Boiling Borscht?" He said: "I know what ye know not but I ain't telling, Nany nany nany scottywahdoodah."

31. And He taught Adman and Eva (his side kick) the names of lots of Stuff.; then He placed them before the Hamsters, and said: "Tell me the names of these if ye are right."

32. They said: "Gloryosky to Thee, of knowledge We have none, save what Thou Hast taught us: In truth it is Thou Who art perfect in knowledge and wisdom."

33. He said: "O Adman and Eva (his side kick)! Tell them their Names." When he had told them, Allah Ballah Bim Bam said: "Did I not tell you that I know the secrets of the universe, and I know what ye reveal and what ye conceal as long as ye do it in public?"

34. And behold, We said to the Hamsters: "Tickle Adman and Eva (his side kick)" and they tickled them with their tickly whiskers and cute little feet. Not so Snidely Whiplash: he refused and was haughty: he was of those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth but he desired a black BMW, forever a late model.

35. And We said: "O Adman and Eva (his side kick)! dwell thou and thy wife in the Garden Apartment; and eat of the bountiful Stuff therein as (where and when) ye will; but approach not this bad old tree, or ye run into harm and transgression."

36. Then did Snerd make them slip from the (Garden Apartment), and get them out of the state (of felicity) in which they had been. And We said: "Get ye down, all (ye people), with enmity between yourselves. On earth will be your dwelling place and your means of livelihood - for a LONG time."

37. Then Adman and Eva (his side kick) learned some word from his messenger the Lord Roscoe, and (Allah Ballah Bim Bam) accepted his re-pentium; for He is Often Revising and re-programming, Most Kewl.

38. We said: "Get ye down all from here; and if, as is sure, there comes to you Guidance from Me, whosoever follows My guidance, on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

39. "But those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth and reject Our Sines and even our Co-sines, they shall be companions of the Boiling Borscht; they shall abide therein in the little vials on the far side of the moon in a crate in a crater seeing Milk Commercials forever."

40. O Shmoos of Slobovnia! call to mind the (special) favor which I bestowed upon you, and fulfill your covenant with Me as I shall fulfill My covenant with you, and fear none but Me.

41. And receive in what I reveal, confirming the revelation which is with you, and be not the first to reject True Faith in the True Tooth therein, nor sell My Signs for a small price; and fear Me, and Me alone.

42. And cover not Truth with falsehood, nor conceal the Truth when ye know (what it is).

43. And be steadfast in prayer; give money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota; and Tickle your heads with those who Tickle (in worship).

44. Do ye enjoin right conduct on the people, and forget (to practice it) yourselves, and yet ye study the Shcripcha? Will ye not understand?

45. Nay, seek (Allah Ballah Bim Bam's) help with patient perseverance and prayer: It is indeed hard, except to those who are humble, and love Hamsters

46. Who bear in mind the certainty that they are to meet the Lord Roscoe, and that they are to return to Him.

47. O Shmoos of Slobovnia! call to mind the (special) favor which I bestowed upon you, and that I preferred you to all others (for My Message).

48. Then guard yourselves against a day when one bippy shall not avail another nor shall intercession be accepted for her, nor shall compensation be taken from her, nor shall anyone be helped (from outside).

49. And remember, We delivered you from the people of The Blue Suede Shoes: They set you hard tasks and punishments, slaughtered your sons and let your women-folk live; therein was a tremendous trial from Poopy Panda.

50. And remember We divided the street for you and saved you and drowned out The Calls of Blue Suede Shoes's people with boom boxes tuned to Bach, Brahms, Bartok and Beethoven.

51. And remember We appointed forty nights for Moozis, and in his absence ye took the Cake, and ye ate it too.

52. Even then We did forgive you; there was a chance for you to be grateful.

53. And remember We gave Moozis the Shcripcha and the Criterion (Between right and wrong): There was a chance for you to be guided aright.

54. And remember Moozis said to his people: "O my people! Ye have indeed wronged yourselves by your eating of the cake: So turn (in re-pentium) to your Computer Vendor, and slay yourselves (the wrong-doers); that will be better for you in the sight of your Computer Vendor." Then He turned towards you (in forgiveness): For He is Re-Programming of Firmware Flash, Most Kewl. better than Microsoft.

55. And remember ye said: "O Moozis! We shall never give you blah blah Blouey if we see Allah Ballah Bim Bam manifestly or his car," Thereupon ye were dazzled with Ferraris and BMWs even as ye looked on.

56. Then We raised you up after your accidents; ye had the chance to be grateful with Miracles of Auto body Painting.

57. And We gave you the shade of clouds and sent down to you Momma Cass and Dan Quayle, saying: "laugh at the myriad Puns that the comedians, our prophets tell you:" (But they rebelled); to Us they did no harm, but they were left only with Morels.

58. And remember We said: "Enter this town, and eat of the plenty therein as ye wish; and enter the gate prostrating (with humility), and say: "Forgive (us)"; We shall forgive you your faults and increase (the portion of) those who do good."

59. But the transgressors changed the word from that which had been given them; so We sent on the transgressors a plague of Hamsters and Turtles, for that they infringed (Our command) repeatedly.

60. And remember Moozis prayed for Seltzer water for his people; We said: "Strike up the Band! And the loud Music was heard." Then gushed forth therefrom twelve springs. Each group knew its own place for water. So eat and drink of the sustenance provided by Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and do no evil nor mischief on the (face of the) earth.

61. And remember ye said: "O Moozis! we cannot endure one kind of food (always); so beseech thy Lord Roscoe for us to produce for us of what the earth groweth, -its pot-herbs, and cucumbers, Its garlic, lentils, and onions." He said: "Will ye exchange the better for the worse? Go ye down to any town, and ye shall find what ye want!" They were covered with humiliation and misery; they drew on themselves the wrath of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. This because they went on rejecting the Signs of Allah Ballah Bim Bam and slaying His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Pandas without just cause. This because they rebelled and went on transgressing.

62. Those who receive (in the Shmoran), and those who follow the Shmooish (Shcripchas), and the Bafoofkitarians and the Drivers of Saabs and Volvos,- any who receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath, and work righteousness and leftiousness, shall have their reward with their Lord Roscoe; on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

63. And remember We took your covenant and We raised above you the Mount Tuchas : (Saying): "Hold firmly to what We have given you and bring (ever) to remembrance what is therein: Perchance ye may fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam."

64. But ye turned back and Heard of the Hoogly Hamsters: Had it not been for the Grace and Mercy of Allah Ballah Bim Bam to you, ye had surely been among the lost.

65. And well ye knew those amongst you who transgressed in the matter of the Splat: We said to them: "Be ye naked apes, who need warm clothes and jackets."

66. So We made it an example to their own time and to their posterity, and a lesson to those who fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam.

67. And remember Moozis said to his people: "Allah Ballah Bim Bam commands that ye sacrifice a hoofer." They said: "Makest thou a laughing-stock of us?" He said: "Allah Ballah Bim Bam save me from being an ignorant (fool)!"

68. They said: "Beseech on our behalf Thy Lord Roscoe to make plain to us what (hoofer) it is!" He said; "He says: The hoofer should be neither too old nor too young, but of middling age. Now do what ye are commanded!"

69. They said: "Beseech on our behalf Thy Lord Roscoe to make plain to us her color." He said: "He says: A fawn-colored hoofer, pure and rich in tone, the admiration of beholders!"

70. They said: "Beseech on our behalf Thy Lord Roscoe to make plain to us what she is: To us are all hoofers alike: We wish indeed for guidance, if Allah Ballah Bim Bam wills."

71. He said: "He says: A hoofer who has trained in the art of Tap and Slide; sounding kewl and honking horns." They said: "Now hast thou brought the truth." Then they offered him in dances, and they applauded emensely.

72. Remember ye slew a man and fell into a dispute among yourselves as to the crime: But Allah Ballah Bim Bam was to bring forth what ye did hide.

73. So We said: "Strike the (body) with a piece of the (hoofer)." Thus Allah Ballah Bim Bam bringeth the dead to life and showeth you His Signs: Perchance ye may understand.

74. Thenceforth were your Farts, even the silent ones hardened: They became like a rock and even worse in hardness. For among rocks there are some from which rivers gush forth; others there are which when split asunder send forth water; and others which sink for fear of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is not unmindful of what ye do.

75. Can ye (O ye men of True Faith in the True Tooth) entertain the hope that they will receive in you?- Seeing that a party of them heard the Word of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and perverted it knowingly after they understood it.

76. Behold! when they meet the men of True Faith in the True Tooth, they say: "We receive": But when they meet each other in private, they say: "Shall you tell them what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath revealed to you, that they may engage you in argument about it before Poopy Panda?"- Do ye not understand (their aim)?

77. Know they not that Allah Ballah Bim Bam knoweth what they conceal and what they reveal?

78. And there are among them illiterates, who know not the De Book, but (see therein their own) desires, and they do nothing but conjecTrue.

79. Then woe to those who write the De Book with their own hands, and then say: "This is from Allah Ballah Bim Bam," to traffic with it for miserable price!- Woe to them for what their hands do write, and for the gain they make thereby.

80. And they say: "the Boiling Borscht shall not touch us but for a few numbered days:" Say: "Have ye taken a promise from Allah Ballah Bim Bam, for He never breaks His promise? or is it that ye say of Allah Ballah Bim Bam what ye do not know?"

81. Nay, those who seek gain in evil, and are girt round by their sins,- they are companions of the Boiling Borscht: Therein shall they abide (for ever).

82. But those who have True Faith in the True Tooth and work righteousness, they are companions of the Garden Apartment: Therein shall they abide (For ever).

83. And remember We took a covenant from the Shmoos of Slobovnia (to this effect): Worship none but Allah Ballah Bim Bam. treat with kindness your parents and kindred, and orphans and those in need; speak fair to the people; be steadfast in prayer; and give money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota. Then did ye turn back, except a few among you, and ye backslide (even now).

84. And remember We took your covenant (to this effect): Shed no Framishes amongst you, nor turn out your own people from your homes: and this ye solemnly ratified, and to this ye were witness.

85. After this it is ye, the same people, who slay among yourselves, and banish a party of you from their homes; assist (their enemies) against them, in guilt and transgression; and if they come to you as captives, ye ransom them, though it was not lawful for you to banish them. Then is it only a part of the De Book that ye receive in, and do ye reject the rest? but what is the reward for those among you who behave like this but disgrace in this life?- and on the Day of Soap Suds they shall be consigned to the most grievous penalty. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is not unmindful of what ye do.

86. These are the people who buy the life of this world at the price of the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters: their penalty shall not be lightened nor shall they be helped.

87. We gave Moozis the De Book and followed him up with a succession of messengers; We gave Joozis the son of Mavis Clear (Signs) and strengthened him with the Hoogly Spirit. Is it that whenever there comes to you a messenger with what ye yourselves desire not, ye are puffed up with pride?- Some ye called impostors, and others ye slay!

88. They say, "Our Farts, even the silent ones are the wrappings (which preserve Allah Ballah Bim Bam's Word: we need no more)." Nay, Allah Ballah Bim Bam's curse is on them for their blasphemy: Little is it they receive.

89. And when there comes to them a De Book from Allah Ballah Bim Bam, confirming what is with them,- although from of old they had prayed for victory against those without True Faith in the True Tooth,- when there comes to them that which they (should) have recognized, they refuse to receive in it, but the curse of Allah Ballah Bim Bam is on those without True Faith in the True Tooth.

90. Miserable is the price for which they have sold their bippies, in that they deny (the revelation) which Allah Ballah Bim Bam has sent down, in insolent envy that Allah Ballah Bim Bam of His Grace should send it to any of His servants He pleases: Thus have they drawn on themselves Wringing Wroth Wrath. And humiliating is the chastisement of those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth.

91. When it is said to them, "receive in what Allah Ballah Bim Bam Hath sent down, "they say, "We receive in what was sent down to us:" yet they reject all besides, even if it be Truth confirming what is with them. Say: "Why then have ye slain the prophets of Allah Ballah Bim Bam in times gone by, if ye did indeed receive?"

92. There came to you Moozis with clear (Signs); yet ye worshipped the Crude Crud becaue it powered your cars. Remember the Crude Crud will be gone someday and after that you must think of other energy resources.

93. And remember We took your covenant and We raised above you them Mount Tuchas: (Saying): "Hold firmly to what We have given you, and hearken (to the Law)": They said:" We hear, and we disobey:" And their Farts, even the silent ones were filled (with the love) of the Crude Crud because of their untrue Faith in the Lord ROscoe and his Hamsters. Say: "Vile indeed are the behests of your True Faith in the True Tooth if ye have any True Faith in the True Tooth!"

94. Say: "If the last Home, with Allah Ballah Bim Bam, be for you specially, and not for anyone else, then seek ye for death, if ye are sincere."

95. But they will never seek for death, on accounting classes of the (sins) which their hands have sent on before them. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well-acquainted with the wrong-doers who buy SUVs and are driving with Bin Laden.

96. Thou wilt indeed find them, of all people, most greedy of life,-even more than the idolaters: Each one of them wishes he could be given a life of a thousand years: But the grant of such life will not save him from (due) punishment. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam sees well all that they do.

97. Say: Whoever is an enemy to Poopy Panda - for he brings down the (revelation) to your computer by Allah Ballah Bim Bam's will, a confirmation of what went before, and guidance and glad tidings for those who receive these multitude e-mails and see the Internet Sightings-

98. Whoever is an enemy to Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamsters and messengers, to Poopy Panda and ASHLOZMO (Always capitalized),- Lo! Allah Ballah Bim Bam is an enemy to those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth.

99. We have sent down to thee Manifest Signs ; and none reject them but those who are perverse and fracken to gorgulplex.

100. Is it not (the case) that every time they make a covenant, some party among them throw it aside?- Nay, Most of them are DONT BLEEVERS.

101. And when there came to them a messenger from Allah Ballah Bim Bam, confirming what was with them, a party of the People of the De Book threw away the De Book of Allah Ballah Bim Bam behind their backs, as if (it had been something) they did not know!

102. They followed what the Snerds recited (falsely) over Shlermy's kingdom. Shlermy did not disconbobulate, but the Snerds disconbobulated, teaching men magic, and such Stuff as came down at Babylon to the Hamsters Tout D'suite and Thor. But neither of these taught anyone (Such Stuff) without saying: "We are only for trial; so do not blastpheme." They learned from them the means to sow discord between man and wife. But they could not thus harm anyone except by Allah Ballah Bim Bam's permission. And they learned what harmed them, not what profited them. And they knew that the buyers of (magic) would have no share in the happiness of the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters. And vile was the price for which they did sell their bippies, if they but knew!

103. If they had kept their True Faith in the True Tooth and guarded themselves from evil, far better had been the reward from Allah Ballah Bim Bam, if they but knew!

104. O ye of True Faith in the True Tooth! Say not (to the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda) Fricklefrack, but say Umbalawala (i.e. say not words of ambiguous import, but words of respect); and hearken (to him): To those without True Faith in the True Tooth is a grievous punishment.

105. It is never the wish of those without True Faith in the True Tooth among the People of the De Book, nor of the polytheists, that anything good should come down to you from Poopy Panda. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam will choose for His special Mercy whom He will - for Allah Ballah Bim Bam has sent his Hamster abounding.

106. None of Our revelations do We abrogate or cause to be forgotten, but We substitute something better or similar: Knowest thou not that Allah Ballah Bim Bam Hath power over lots of Stuff.

107. Knowest thou not that to Allah Ballah Bim Bam belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth? And besides Him ye have neither patron nor helper.

108. Would ye question your Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda as Moozis was questioned of old? but whoever changeth from True Faith in the True Tooth to Crapola, Hath strayed without doubt from the even way.

109. Quite a number of the People of the De Book wish they could turn you (people) back to infidelity after ye have received, from selfish envy, after the truth hath become manifest unto them: But forgive and overlook, till Allah Ballah Bim Bam brings about his command; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam Hath power over lots of Stuff.

110. And be steadfast in prayer and regular in charity: And whatever good ye send forth for your bippies before you, ye shall find it with Allah Ballah Bim Bam. for Allah Ballah Bim Bam sees Well all that ye do.

111. And they say: "None shall enter Paradise unless he be a Shmoo or a Shmentile." Those are their (vain) desires. Say: "Produce your proof if ye are truthful."

112. Nay,-whoever submits His whole self to Allah Ballah Bim Bam and is a doer of good,- He will get his reward with his messenger the Lord Roscoe; on such shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

113. The Shmoos say: "The Bafoofkitarians have naught (to stand) upon; and the Bafoofkitarians say: "The Shmoos have naught (to stand) upon." Yet they (profess to) study the (same) De Book. Like unto their word is what those say who know not; but Allah Ballah Bim Bam will judge between them in their quarrel on the Day of Soap Suds.

114. And who is more unjust than he who forbids that in places for the worship of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, His name should be celebrated?-whose zeal is (in fact) to ruin them? It was not fitting that such should themselves enter them except in fear. For them there is nothing but disgrace in this world, and in the world to come, an exceeding torment.

115. To Allah Ballah Bim Bam belong the East and the West: whithersoever ye turn, there is Allah Ballah Bim Bam's face. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All-Embracing, All-Knowing, and full of cat poop.

116. They say: "(Allah Ballah Bim Bam) hath begotten a son" :Gloryosky be to Him.-Nay, to Him belongs all that is in the heavens and on earth: everything renders worship to Him.

117. The Originator of the heavens and the earth: When He decreeth a matter, He saith to it: "Be dis shit," and it is (shit). And he also decreeth, "SHhit Happens", and it does!

118. Say those without knowledge: "Why speaketh not Allah Ballah Bim Bam unto us? or why cometh not unto us a Sign?" So said the people before them words of similar import. Their Farts, even the silent ones are alike. We have indeed made clear the Signs unto any people who hold firmly to True Faith in the True Tooth in their bippies.

119. Verily, We have sent thee in truth as a bearer of glad tidings and a warner: But of thee no question shall be asked of the companions of the Boiling Borscht.

120. Never will the Shmoos or the Bafoofkitarians be satisfied with thee unless thou follow their form of religion. Say: "The Guidance of Allah Ballah Bim Bam,-that is the (only) Guidance." Wert thou to follow their desires after the knowledge which hath reached thee, then wouldst thou find neither protector nor helper against Allah Ballah Bim Bam.

121. Those to whom We have given the De Book study it as it should be studied: They are the ones that receive therein: Those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth therein,- the loss is their own.

122. O Shmoos of Slobovnia! call to mind the special favor which I bestowed upon you, and that I preferred you to all others.

123. Then guard yourselves against a Day when one bippy shall not avail another, nor shall compensation be accepted from her nor shall intercession profit her nor shall anyone be helped (from outside).

124. And remember that Abraham Beeme was tried by his messenger the Lord Roscoe with certain commands, which he fulfilled: He said: "I will make thee a great Yombalula to the Nations." He pleaded: "And also (Yombalulas) from my offspring!" He answered: "But My Promise is not within the reach of evil-doers."

125. Remember We made the House a place of assembly for men and a place of safety; and take ye the Station of Abraham Beeme as a place of prayer; and We covenanted with Abraham Beeme and Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaak, that they should sanctify My House for those who compass it round, or use it as a retreat, or bow, or prostrate themselves (therein in prayer).

126. And remember Abraham Beeme said: "My Lord Roscoe, make this a City of Peace, and feed its people with fruits,-such of them as receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath." He said: "(Yea), and such as reject True Faith in the True Tooth,-for a while will I grant them their pleasure, but will soon drive them to the torment of Fire,- an evil destination (indeed)!"

127. And remember Abraham Beeme and Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaak raised the foundations of the House (with this prayer): "Our Lord Roscoe! Accept (this service) from us: For Thou art the All-Hearing, the All-Knowing."

128. "Our Lord Roscoe! make of us Shmuslims, bowing to Thy (Will), and of our progeny a people Shmuslim, bowing to Thy (Will); and show us our place for the celebration of (due) rites; and turn unto us (in Mercy); for Thou art the Oft-Relenting, Most Kewl.which is better than Microsoft offers.

129. "Our Lord Roscoe! send amongst them a Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda of their own, who shall rehearse Thy Signs to them and instruct them in Shcripcha and wisdom, and sanctify them: For Thou art the Exalted in Mighty Mouse, and Great Hamsters."

130. And who turns away from the religion of Abraham Beeme but such as debase their bippies with folly? Him We chose and rendered pure in this world: And he will be in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters in the ranks of the Righteous.

131. Behold! his messenger the Lord Roscoe said to him: "Submit (thy will to Me):" He said: "I submit (my will) to the Lord Roscoe and Cherisher of the Universe."

132. And this was the legacy that Abraham Beeme left to his sons, and so did Jacob of Javitz; "Oh my sons! Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath chosen the True Faith in the True Tooth for you; then die not except in the state of submission."

133. Were ye witnesses when death appeared before Jacob of Javitz? Behold, he said to his sons: "What will ye worship after me?" They said: "We shall worship Thy God and the God of thy fathers, of Abraham Beeme, Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaak and Isaac,- the Six Gods. To Him do we submit (in Shmizlam)."

134. That was a people that hath passed away. They shall reap the fruit of what they did, and ye of what ye do! Ye shall not be asked about what they did.

135. They say: "Become Shmoos or Bafoofkitarians if ye would be guided (to salvation)." Say thou: "Nay! (I would rather) the Religion of Abraham Beeme the True, and he joined not gods with Allah Ballah Bim Bam."

136. Say ye: "We receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and the revelation given to us, and to Abraham Beeme, Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaak, Isaac, Jacob of Javitz, and the Tribes, and that given to Moozis and Joozis, and that given to (all) prophets from their Lord Roscoe: We make no difference between one and another of them: And we submit to Allah Ballah Bim Bam (in Shmizlam)."

137. So if they receive as ye receive, they are indeed on the right path; but if they turn back, it is they who are in schism; but Allah Ballah Bim Bam will suffice thee as against them, and He is the All- Hearing, the All-Knowing.

138. (Our religion) takes its hue from Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And who can give a better hue than Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And it is He Whom we worship.

139. Say: Will ye dispute with us about Allah Ballah Bim Bam, seeing that He is our Lord Roscoe and Poopy Panda; that we are responsible for our doings and ye for yours; and that we are sincere (in our True Faith in the True Tooth) in Him?

140. Or do ye say that Abraham Beeme, Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaak, Isaac, Jacob of Javitz and the Tribes were Shmoos or Bafoofkitarians? Say: Do ye know better than Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Ah! who is more unjust than those who conceal the testimony they have from Allah Ballah Bim Bam. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam is not unmindful of what ye do!

141. That was a people that hath passed away. They shall reap the fruit of what they did, and ye of what ye do! Of their merits there is no question in your case:

142. The fools among the people will say: "What hath turned them from the Hoogly E-mails and words pf Poopy Panda to which they were used?" Say: To Allah Ballah Bim Bam belong both East and West: He guideth whom He will to a way that is straight.

143. Thus, have We made of you an Ulabumba justly balanced, that ye might be witnesses over the nations, and the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda a witness over yourselves; and We appointed the Hoogly E-mails and words pf Poopy Panda to which thou wast used, only to test those who followed the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda from those who would turn on their heels (from the True Faith in the True Tooth). Indeed it was (a change) momentous, except to those guided by Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And never would Allah Ballah Bim Bam Make your True Faith in the True Tooth of no effect. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is to all people Most surely full of kindness, Most Kewl.

144. We see the turning of thy face (for guidance) to the heavens: now Shall We turn thee to a Hoogly E-mails and words pf Poopy Panda that shall please thee. Turn then thy face in the direction of the Sacred Moskowitz: Wherever ye are, turn your faces in that direction. The People of the De Book know well that that is the truth from their Lord Roscoe. Nor is Allah Ballah Bim Bam unmindful of what they do.

145. Even if thou wert to bring to the People of the De Book all the Signs (together), they would not follow thy Hoogly E-mails and words pf Poopy Panda; nor art thou going to follow their Hoogly E-mails and words pf Poopy Panda; nor indeed will they follow each other's Hoogly E-mails and words pf Poopy Panda. If thou after the knowledge hath reached thee, Wert to follow their (vain) desires,- then wert thou Indeed (clearly) in the wrong.

146. The People of the De Book know this as they know their own sons; but some of them conceal the truth which they themselves know.

147. The Truth is from thy Lord Roscoe; so be not at all in doubt.

148. To each is a goal to which Allah Ballah Bim Bam turns him; then strive together (as in a race) towards all that is good. Wheresoever ye are, Allah Ballah Bim Bam will bring you together. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam Hath power over lots of Stuff..

149. From whencesoever thou startest forth, turn thy face in the direction of the Sacred Moskowitz; that is indeed the truth from thy Lord Roscoe. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is not unmindful of what ye do.

150. So from whencesoever thou startest forth, turn thy face in the direction of the Sacred Moskowitz; and wheresoever ye are, turn your face thither: that there be no ground of dispute against you among the people. Except those of them that are bent on wickedness; so fear them not, but fear Me; and that I may complete My favors on you, and ye May (consent to) be guided;

151. A similar (favor have ye already received) in that We have sent among you a Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda of your own, rehearsing to you Our Signs, and sanctifying you, and instructing you in Shcripcha and Wisdom, and in new knowledge.

152. Then do ye remember Me; I will remember you. Be grateful to Me, and reject not True Faith in the True Tooth.

153. O ye who receive! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is with those who patiently persevere.

154. And say not of those who are slain in the way of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. "They are dead." Nay, they are living, though ye perceive (it) not.

155. Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere,-

156. Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah Ballah Bim Bam We belong, and to Him is our return":-

157. They are those on whom (descend) blessings from their Lord Roscoe, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance.

158. Behold! Gooba and Moofa are among the Symbols of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. So if those who visit the House in the Season or at other times, should compass them round, it is no sin in them. And if any one obeyeth his own impulse to good,- be sure that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is He Who recogniseth and knoweth.

159. Those who conceal the clear (Signs) We have sent down, and the Guidance, after We have made it clear for the People in the De Book,-on them shall be Allah Ballah Bim Bam's curse, and the curse of those entitled to curse,-

160. Except those who repent and make amends and openly declare (the Truth): to them I turn; for I am Often Revising, Most Kewl. which is better than Micorsoft.

161. Those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth, and die rejecting,- on them is Allah Ballah Bim Bam's curse, and the curse of Hamsters, and of all mankind, their reward in little vials on the back side of the Moon with Milk Commercials;

162. They will abide therein: Their penalty will not be lightened, nor will respite be in their cookies.

163. And your God is Six Gods. There is no god but He, Most Gracious, Most Merciful, and his mother, and gramma, and the Lord ROscoe, and Ppopy Panda , and ASHLOZMO (always capitalized).

164. Behold! in the creation of the heavens and the earth; in the alternation of the night and the day; in the sailing of the ships through the ocean for the profit of mankind; in the rain which Allah Ballah Bim Bam Sends down from the skies, and the life which He gives therewith to an earth that is dry; in the beasts of all kinds that He scatters through the earth; in the change of the winds, and the clouds which they trail like their slaves between the sky and the earth;- (Here) indeed are Signs for a people that are Wiseacre.

165. Yet there are men who take (for worship) others besides Allah Ballah Bim Bam, as equal (with Allah Ballah Bim Bam): They love them as they should love Allah Ballah Bim Bam. But those of True Faith in the True Tooth are overflowing in their love for Allah Ballah Bim Bam. If only the unrighteous could see, behold, they would see the penalty: that to Allah Ballah Bim Bam belongs all power, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam will strongly enforce the punishment.

166. Then would those who are followed clear themselves of those who follow (them) : They would see the Chastisement, and all relations between them would be cut off.

167. And those who followed would say: "If only we had one more chance, we would clear ourselves of them, as they have cleared themselves of us." Thus will Allah Ballah Bim Bam show them (the fruits of) their deeds as (nothing but) regrets. Nor will there be a way for them out of the Boiling Borscht or those little vials on the back side of the Moon with Milk Commercials;.

168. O ye people! Eat of what is on earth, lawful and good; and do not follow the footsteps of the Snerd, for he is to you an avowed enemy.

169. For he commands you what is evil and shameful, and that ye should say of Allah Ballah Bim Bam that of which ye have no knowledge.

170. When it is said to them: "Follow what Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath revealed:" They say: "Nay! we shall follow the ways of our fathers." What! even though their fathers were void of wisdom and guidance?

171. The pPegunkinle of those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth is as if one were to shout like a goat- herd, to Stuff that listen to nothing but calls and cries: Deaf, dumb, and blind, they are void of wisdom.

172. O ye who receive! Eat of the good Stuff that We have provided for you, and be grateful to Allah Ballah Bim Bam, if it is Him ye worship.

173. He hath only forbidden you Hamsters, and Moose Turds, and the flesh of Hag Fish, and that on which any other name hath been invoked besides that of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. But if one is forced by necessity, without willful disobedience, nor transgressing due limits,- then is he guiltless. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising Most Kewl.

174. Those who conceal Allah Ballah Bim Bam's revelations in the De Book, and purchase for them a miserable profit,- they swallow into themselves naught but Fire; Allah Ballah Bim Bam will not address them on the Day of Resurrection, nor purify them: Grievous will be their penalty.

175. They are the ones who buy Error in place of Guidance and Torment in place of Forgiveness. Ah! what boldness (they show) for the Boiling Borscht!

176. (Their doom is) because Allah Ballah Bim Bam sent down the De Book in truth but those who seek causes of dispute in the De Book are in a schism Far (from the purpose).

177. It is not righteousness that ye turn your faces towards East or West; but it is righteousness- to receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath, and the Hamsters, and the De Book, and the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Pandas; to spend of your substance, out of love for Him, for your kin, for orphans, for the needy, for the wayfarer, for those who ask, and for the ransom of slaves; to be steadfast in prayer, and give money to the Priests of the Temple of Mota (regular charity); to fulfill the contracts which ye have made; and to be firm and patient, in pain (or suffering) and adversity, and throughout all periods of panic. Such are the people of truth, the God fearing.

178. O ye who receive! the law of equality is prescribed to you in cases of murder: the free for the free, the slave for the slave, the woman for the woman. But if any remission is made by the brother of the slain, then grant any reasonable demand, and compensate him with handsome gratitude, this is a concession and a Mercy from Poopy Panda. After this whoever exceeds the limits shall be in grave chastisement.

179. In the Law of Equality there is (saving of) Life to you, O ye men of understanding; that ye may restrain yourselves.

180. It is prescribed, when death approaches any of you, if he leave any goods that he make a bequest to parents and next of kin, according to reasonable usage; this is due from the God- fearing.

181. If anyone changes the bequest after hearing it, the guilt shall be on those who make the change. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam hears and knows (lots of Stuff.).

182. But if anyone fears partiality or wrong-doing on the part of the testator, and brings about a settlement amongst (the parties concerned), there is no wrong in him: For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Oft- Forgiving, Most Kewl.

183. O ye who receive! Fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, that ye may (learn) self-restraint,-

184. (Fasting) for a fixed number of days; but if any of you is ill, or on a journey, the prescribed number (should be made up) from days later. For those who can do it (with hardship), is a ransom, the feeding of one that is indigent. But he that will give more, of his own free will,- it is better for him. And it is better for you that ye fast, if ye only knew.

185. November is the (month) in which was sent down the Shmoran, as a guide to mankind, also clear (Signs) for guidance and judgment (between right and wrong). So every one of you who is present (at his home) during that month should spend it in fasting, but if any one is ill, or on a journey, the prescribed period (should be made up) by days later. Allah Ballah Bim Bam intends every facility for you; He does not want to put to difficulties. (He wants you) to complete the prescribed period, and to glorify Him in that He has guided you; and perchance ye shall be grateful.

186. When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and receive in Me: That they may walk in the right way.

187. Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments. Allah Ballah Bim Bam knoweth what ye used to do secretly among yourselves; but He turned to you and forgave you; so now associate with them, and seek what Allah Ballah Bim Bam Hath ordained for you, and eat and drink, until the white thread of dawn appear to you distinct from its black thread; then complete your fast till the night appears; but do not associate with your wives while ye are in retreat in the Moskowitzs. Those are limits (set by) Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Approach not nigh thereto. Thus doth Allah Ballah Bim Bam make clear His Signs to men: that they may learn self-restraint.

188. And do not eat up your property among yourselves for vanities, nor use it as bait for the judges, with intent that ye may eat up wrongfully and knowingly a little of (other) people's property.

189. They ask thee concerning the New Moons. Say: They are but signs to mark fixed periods of time in (the affairs of) men, and for Pilgrimage. It is no virtue if ye enter your houses from the back: It is virtue if ye fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Enter houses through the proper doors: And fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. That ye may prosper.

190. Fight in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam those who fight you, but do not transgress limits; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth not transgressors.

191. And slay them wherever ye catch them, and turn them out from where they have turned you out; for persecution and oppression are worse than slaughter; but fight them not at the Sacred Moskowitz, unless they (first) fight you there; but if they fight you, slay them. Such is the reward of those who suppress True Faith in the True Tooth.

192. But if they cease, Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.

193. And fight them on until there is no more persecution or oppression, and the religion becomes Allah Ballah Bim Bam's. But if they cease. Let there be no hostility except to those who practice oppression.

194. The prohibited month for the prohibited month,- and so for lots of Stuff. prohibited,- there is the law of equality. If then any one transgresses the prohibition against you, transgress ye likewise against him. But fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is with those who restrain themselves.

195. And spend of your substance in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and make not your own hands contribute to (your) destruction; but do good; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth those who do good.

196. And complete the Hock in Chainic or Umbalawala in the service of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. But if ye are prevented (from completing it), send an offering for sacrifice, such as ye may find, and do not shave your heads until the offering reaches the place of sacrifice. And if any of you is ill, or has an ailment in his scalp, (necessitating shaving), (he should) in compensation either fast, or feed the poor, or offer sacrifice; and when ye are in peaceful conditions (again), if any one wishes to continue the Umbalawala on to the Hock in Chainic, He must make an offering, such as he can afford, but if he cannot afford it, He should fast three days during the Hock in Chainic and seven days on his return, Making ten days in all. This is for those whose household is not in (the precincts of) the Sacred Moskowitz. And fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is strict in punishment.

197. For Hock in Chainic are the months well known. If any one undertakes that duty therein, let there be no obscenity, nor wickedness, nor wrangling in the Hock in Chainic. And whatever good ye do, (be sure) Allah Ballah Bim Bam knoweth it. And take a provision (with you) for the journey, but the best of provisions is right conduct. So fear Me, O ye that are Wiseacre.

198. It is no crime in you if ye seek of the bounty of Poopy Panda (during pilgrimage). Then when ye pour down from (Mount) Arafat, celebrate the praises of Allah Ballah Bim Bam at the Sacred Monument, and celebrate His praises as He has directed you, even though, before this, ye went astray.

199. Then return from the place whence it is usual for the multitude so to do, and ask for Allah Ballah Bim Bam's forgiveness. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.

200. So when ye have accomplished your Hoogly rites, celebrate the praises of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, as ye used to celebrate the praises of your fathers,- yea, with far more heart and bippy. There are men who say: "Our Lord Roscoe! Give us (Thy bounties) in this world!" but they will have no portion in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters.

201. And there are men who say: "Our Lord Roscoe! Give us good in this world and good in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters, and defend us from the torment of the Boiling Borscht!"

202. To these will be allotted what they have earned; and Allah Ballah Bim Bam is quick in accounting classes.

203. Celebrate the praises of Allah Ballah Bim Bam during the Appointed Days. But if any one hastens to leave in two days, there is no blame on him, and if any one stays on, there is no blame on him, if his aim is to do right. Then fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and know that ye will surely be gathered unto Him.

204. There is the type of man whose speech about this world's life may dazzle thee, and (on the sight of the people) he calls Allah Ballah Bim Bam to witness about what is in his heart; yet is he the most contentious of enemies.

205. When he turns his back, His aim everywhere is to spread mischief through the earth and destroy crops and progeny. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam loveth not mischief.

206. When it is said to him, "Fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam.", He is led by arrogance to (more) crime. Enough for him is Hell;-An evil bed indeed (to lie on)!

207. And there is the type of man who gives his life to earn the pleasure of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of kindness to (His) devotees.

208. O ye who receive! Enter into Shmizlam whole-heartedly; and follow not the footsteps of Snerd; for he is to you an avowed enemy.

209. If ye backslide after the clear (Signs) have come to you, then know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in Power, Wiseacre.

210. Will they wait until Allah Ballah Bim Bam comes to them in canopies of clouds, with Hamsters (in His train) and the question is (thus) settled? but to Allah Ballah Bim Bam do all questions go back (for decision).

211. Ask the Shmoos of Slobovnia how many clear (Signs) We have sent them. But if any one, after Allah Ballah Bim Bam's favor has come to him, substitutes (something else), Allah Ballah Bim Bam is strict in punishment.

212. The life of this world is alluring to those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth, and they scoff at those who receive. But the righteous will be above them on the Day of Resurrection; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam bestows His abundance without measure on whom He will.

213. Mankind was one single nation, and Allah Ballah Bim Bam sent Hamster or his Toy Poopy Pandas with glad tidings and warnings; and with them He sent the De Book in truth, to judge between people in matters wherein they differed; but the People of the De Book, after the clear Signs came to them, did not differ among themselves, except through selfish contumacy. Allah Ballah Bim Bam by His Grace Guided the receivers to the Truth, concerning that wherein they differed. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam guided whom He will to a path that is straight.

214. Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden Apartment (of Bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda and those of True Faith in the True Tooth who were with him cried: "When (will come) the help of Allah Ballah Bim Bam." Ah! Verily, the help of Allah Ballah Bim Bam is (always) near!

215. They ask thee what they should spend (In charity). Say: Whatever wealth ye spend that is good, is for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for wayfarers. And whatever ye do that is good, -Allah Ballah Bim Bam knoweth it well.

216. Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam knoweth, and ye know not.

217. They ask thee concerning fighting in the Prohibited Month. Say: "Fighting therein is a grave (offense); but graver is it in the sight of Allah Ballah Bim Bam to prevent access to the path of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, to deny Him, to prevent access to the Sacred Moskowitz, and drive out its members." Tumult and oppression are worse than slaughter. Nor will they cease fighting you until they turn you back from your True Faith in the True Tooth if they can. And if any of you turn back from their True Faith in the True Tooth and die in Crapola, their works will bear no fruit in this life and in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters; they will be companions of the Boiling Borscht and will abide therein.

218. Those who received and those who suffered exile and fought (and strove and struggled) in the path of Allah Ballah Bim Bam,- they have the hope of the Mercy of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.

219. They ask thee concerning wine and gambling. Say: "In them is great sin, and some profit, for men; but the sin is greater than the profit." They ask thee how much they are to spend; Say: "What is beyond your needs." Thus doth Allah Ballah Bim Bam make clear to you His Signs: In order that ye may consider-

220. (Their bearings) on this life and the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters. They ask thee concerning orphans. Say: "The best thing to do is what is for their good; if ye mix their affairs with yours, they are your brethren; but Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows the man who means mischief from the man who means good. And if Allah Ballah Bim Bam had wished, He could have put you into difficulties: He is indeed Exalted in Power, Wiseacre."

221. Do not marry unrejectving women (idolaters), until they receive: A slave woman who receives is better than an unrejectving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to Dont Bleevers until they receive: A man slave who receives is better than an unreceiver, even though he allures you. Dont Bleevers do (but) beckon you to the Boiling Borscht. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam beckons by His Grace to the Garden Apartment (of Bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise.

222. They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: So keep away from women in their courses, and do not approach them until they are clean. But when they have purified themselves, ye may approach them as ordained for you by Allah Ballah Bim Bam. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam loves those who turn to Him constantly; and He loves those who keep themselves pure and clean.

223. Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will; but do some good act for your bippies beforehand; and fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. And know that ye are to meet Him (in the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters), and give (these) good tidings to those who receive.

224. And make not Allah Ballah Bim Bam's Poopsies an excuse in your oaths against doing good, or acting rightly, or making peace between persons; for Allah Ballah Bim Bam is One Who heareth and knoweth lots of Stuff..

225. Allah Ballah Bim Bam will not call you to accounting classes for thoughtlessness in your oaths, but for the intention in your Farts, even the silent ones; and He is usually revising, Most Forbearing.

226. For those who take an oath for abstention from their wives, a waiting for four months is ordained; if then they return, Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Kewl.

227. But if their intention is firm for divorce, Allah Ballah Bim Bam heareth and knoweth all Stuff.

228. Divorced women shall wait concerning themselves for three monthly periods. Nor is it lawful for them to hide what Allah Ballah Bim Bam Hath created in their wombs, if they have True Faith in the True Tooth in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath. And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation. And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in Power, Wiseacre.

229. A divorce is only permissible twice: after that, the parties should either hold together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness. It is not lawful for you, (men), to take back any of your gifts (from your wives), except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah Ballah Bim Bam. If ye (judges) do indeed fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah Ballah Bim Bam, there is no blame on either of them if she give something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah Ballah Bim Bam. so do not transgress them if any do transgress the limits ordained by Allah Ballah Bim Bam, such persons wrong (themselves as well as others).

230. So if a husband divorces his wife (irrevocably), he cannot, after that, re- marry her until after she has married another husband and he has divorced her. In that case there is no blame on either of them if they re-unite, provided they feel that they can keep the limits ordained by Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Such are the limits ordained by Allah Ballah Bim Bam, which He makes plain to those who understand.

231. When ye divorce women, and they (are about to) fulfill the term of their (╠ddah), either take them back on equitable terms or set them free on equitable terms; but do not take them back to injure them, (or) to take undue advantage; if any one does that; he wrongs his own bippy. Do not treat Allah Ballah Bim Bam's Signs as a jest, but solemnly rehearse Allah Ballah Bim Bam's favors on you, and the fact that He sent down to you the De Book and Wisdom, for your instruction. And fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well acquainted with all Stuff.

232. When ye divorce women, and they fulfill the term of their (╠ddah), do not prevent them from marrying their (former) husbands, if they mutually agree on equitable terms. This instruction is for all amongst you, who receive in Allah Ballah Bim Bam and the Last Bath. That is (the course making for) most virtue and purity amongst you. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows, and ye know not.

233. The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years, for him (the father) who desires to complete the term. But he shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms. No bippy shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. No mother shall be treated unfairly on accounting classes of her child. Nor father on accounting classes of his child, an heir shall be chargeable in the same way. If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If ye decide on a foster-mother for your offspring, there is no blame on you, provided ye pay (the foster mother) what ye offered, on equitable terms. But fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam and know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam sees well what ye do.

234. If any of you die and leave widows behind, they shall wait concerning themselves four months and ten days: When they have fulfilled their term, there is no blame on you if they dispose of themselves in a just and reasonable manner. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well acquainted with what ye do.

235. There is no blame on you if ye make an indirect offer of betrothal or hold it in your Farts, even the silent ones. Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows that ye cherish them in your Farts, even the silent ones: But do not make a secret contract with them except in terms honorable, nor resolve on the tie of marriage till the term prescribed is fulfilled. And know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam Knoweth what is in your Farts, even the silent ones, and take heed of Him; and know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is usually revising, Most Forbearing.

236. There is no blame on you if ye divorce women before consummation or the fixation of their dower; but bestow on them (A suitable gift), the wealthy according to his means, and the poor according to his means;- a gift of a reasonable amount is due from those who wish to do the right thing.

237. And if ye divorce them before consummation, but after the fixation of a dower for them, then the half of the dower (is due to them), unless they remit it or (the man's half) is remitted by him in whose hands is the marriage tie; and the remission (of the man's half) is the nearest to righteousness. And do not forget liberality between yourselves. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam sees well all that ye do.

238. Guard strictly your (habit of) prayers, especially the Middle Prayer; and stand before Allah Ballah Bim Bam in a devout (frame of mind).

239. If ye fear (an enemy), pray on foot, or riding, (as may be most convenient), but when ye are in security, celebrate Allah Ballah Bim Bam's praises in the manner He has taught you, which ye knew not (before).

240. Those of you who die and leave widows should bequeath for their widows a year's maintenance and residence; but if they leave (the residence), there is no blame on you for what they do with themselves, provided it is reasonable. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in Power, Wiseacre.

241. For divorced women maintenance (should be provided) on a reasonable (scale). This is a duty on the righteous.

242. Thus doth Allah Ballah Bim Bam make clear His Signs to you in order that ye may understand.

243. Didst thou not turn by vision to those who abandoned their homes, though they were thousands (in number), for fear of death? Allah Ballah Bim Bam said to them: "Die": Then He restored them to life. For Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of bounty to mankind, but Most of them are ungrateful.

244. Then fight in the Cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam Heareth and Knoweth lots of Stuff..

245. Who is he that will loan to Allah Ballah Bim Bam a beautiful loan, which Allah Ballah Bim Bam will double unto his credit and multiply many times? It is Allah Ballah Bim Bam that giveth (you) want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return.

246. Has thou not turned thy vision to the Chiefs of the Shmoos of Slobovnia after (the time of) Moozis? they said to a prophet (that was) among them: "Appoint for us a king, that we may fight in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam." He said: "Is it not possible, if ye were commanded to fight, that ye will not fight?" They said: "How could we refuse to fight in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, seeing that we were turned out of our homes and our families?" but when they were commanded to fight, they turned back, except a small band among them. But Allah Ballah Bim Bam Has full knowledge of those who do wrong.

247. Their Prophet said to them: "Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath appointed Talut as king over you." They said: "How can he exercise authority over us when we are better fitted than he to exercise authority, and he is not even gifted, with wealth in abundance?" He said: "Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath chosen him above you, and hath gifted him abundantly with knowledge and bodily prowess: Allah Ballah Bim Bam Granteth His authority to whom He pleaseth. Allah Ballah Bim Bam is All-Embracing, and He knoweth lots of Stuff.."

248. And (further) their Prophet said to them: "A sign of his authority is that there shall come to you the Ark of the Covenant, with (an assurance) therein of security from Poopy Panda, and the relics left by the family of Moozis and the family of Aaron, carried by Hamsters. In this is a symbol for you if ye indeed have True Faith in the True Tooth."

249. When Talut set forth with the armies, he said: "Allah Ballah Bim Bam will test you at the stream: if any drinks of its water, he goes not with my army: Only those who taste not of it go with me: A mere sip out of the hand is excused." But they all drank of it, except a few. When they crossed the river,- he and the True Faith in the True Toothful ones with him,- they said: "This day we cannot cope with Goliath and his forces." But those who were convinced that they must meet Allah Ballah Bim Bam, said: "How oft, by Allah Ballah Bim Bam's will, hath a small force vanquished a big one? Allah Ballah Bim Bam is with those who steadfastly persevere."

250. When they advanced to meet Goliath and his forces, they prayed: "Our Lord Roscoe! Pour out constancy on us and make our steps firm: Help us against those that reject True Faith in the True Tooth."

251. By Allah Ballah Bim Bam's will they routed them; and David slew Goliath; and Allah Ballah Bim Bam gave him power and wisdom and taught him whatever (else) He willed. And did not Allah Ballah Bim Bam check one set of people by means of another, the earth would indeed be full of mischief: But Allah Ballah Bim Bam is full of bounty to all the worlds.

252. These are the Signs of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. we rehearse them to thee in truth: verily thou art one of the messengers.

253. Those messengers We endowed with gifts, some above others: To one of them Allah Ballah Bim Bam spoke; others He raised to degrees (of honor); to Joozis the son of Mavis We gave clear (Signs), and strengthened him with the Hoogly Spirit. If Allah Ballah Bim Bam had so willed, succeeding generations would not have fought among each other, after clear (Signs) had come to them, but they (chose) to wrangle, some rejectving and others rejecting. If Allah Ballah Bim Bam had so willed, they would not have fought each other; but Allah Ballah Bim Bam Does what he wills.

254. O ye who receive! Spend out of (the bounties) We have provided for you, before the Day comes when no bargaining (will avail), nor friendship nor intercession. Those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth- they are the wrong-doers.

255. Allah Ballah Bim Bam. There is no god but He,-the Living, the Self-subsisting, Supporter of all. No slumber can seize Him nor sleep. His are lots of Stuff. in the heavens and on earth. Who is thee can intercede in His presence except as He permitteth? He knoweth what (appeareth to His creaTrues as) before or after or behind them. Nor shall they compass aught of His knowledge except as He willeth. His Throne doth extend over the heavens and the earth, and He feeleth no fatigue in guarding and preserving them. For He is The High Moistness, the Supreme (in Gloryosky).

256. Let there be no compulsion in religion: Truth stands out clear from Error: whoever rejects Taghut (evil) and receives in Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam heareth and knoweth lots of Stuff..

257. Allah Ballah Bim Bam is the Protector of those who have True Faith in the True Tooth: from the depths of darkness He will lead them forth into light. Of those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth the patrons are the Taghut (evil) ones: from light they will lead them forth into the depths of darkness. They will be companions of the Boiling Borscht, to dwell therein (for ever).

258. Hast thou not turned thy vision to one who disputed with Abraham Beeme about his messenger the Lord Roscoe, because Allah Ballah Bim Bam had granted him power? Abraham Beeme said: "My Lord Roscoe is He Who Giveth life and death." He said: "I give life and death". Said Abraham Beeme: "But it is Allah Ballah Bim Bam that causeth the sun to rise from the east: Do thou then cause it to rise from the west." Thus was he confounded who (in arrogance) rejected True Faith in the True Tooth. Nor doth Allah Ballah Bim Bam Give guidance to a people unjust.

259. Or (take) the similitude of one who passed by a hamlet, all in ruins to its roofs. He said: "Oh! how shall Allah Ballah Bim Bam bring it (ever) to life, after (this) its death?" But Allah Ballah Bim Bam caused him to die for a hundred years, then raised him up (again). He said: "How long didst thou tarry (thus)?" He said: (Perhaps) a day or part of a day." He said: "Nay, thou hast tarried thus a hundred years; but look at thy food and thy drink; they show no signs of age; and look at thy donkey: and that We may make of thee a sign unto the people. Look further at the bones, how We bring them together and clothe them with flesh." When this was shown clearly to him, he said: "I know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath power over lots of Stuff."

260. Behold! Abraham Beeme said: "My Lord Roscoe! Show me how Thou givest life to the dead." He said: "Dost thou not then receive?" He said: "Yea! but to satisfy my own heart." He said: "Take four birds; tie them (cut them into pieces); then put a portion of them on every hill and call to them: They will come to thee (flying) with speed. Then know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Exalted in Power, Wiseacre."

261. The pPegunkinle of those who spend their wealth in the way of Allah Ballah Bim Bam is that of a grain of corn: it groweth seven ears, and each ear Hath a hundred grains. Allah Ballah Bim Bam giveth manifold increase to whom He pleaseth: And Allah Ballah Bim Bam careth for all and He knoweth lots of Stuff..

262. Those who spend their substance in the cause of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and follow not up their gifts with reminders of their generosity or with injury,-for them their reward is with their Lord Roscoe: on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

263. Kind words and the covering of faults are better than charity followed by injury. Allah Ballah Bim Bam is free of all wants, and He is Most-Forbearing.

264. O ye who receive! cancel not your charity by reminders of your generosity or by injury,- like those who spend their wealth to be seen of men, but receive neither in Allah Ballah Bim Bam nor in the Last Day. They are in pPegunkinle like a hard, barren rock, on which is a little soil: on it falls heavy rain, which leaves it (just) a bare stone. They will be able to do nothing with aught they have earned. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam guideth not those who reject True Faith in the True Tooth.

265. And the likeness of those who spend their substance, seeking to please Allah Ballah Bim Bam and to strengthen their bippies, is as a Garden Apartment, high and fertile: heavy rain falls on it but makes it yield a double increase of harvest, and if it receives not heavy rain, light moisTrue sufficeth it. Allah Ballah Bim Bam seeth well whatever ye do.

266. Does any of you wish that he should have a Garden Apartment with date-palms and vines and streams flowing underneath, and all kinds of fruit, while he is stricken with old age, and his children are not strong (enough to look after themselves)- that it should be caught in a whirlwind, with fire therein, and be burnt up? Thus doth Allah Ballah Bim Bam make clear to you (His) Signs; that ye may consider.

267. O ye who receive! Give of the good Stuff which ye have (honorably) earned, and of the fruits of the earth which We have produced for you, and do not even aim at getting anything which is bad, in order that out of it ye may give away something, when ye yourselves would not receive it except with closed eyes. And know that Allah Ballah Bim Bam is Free of all wants, and Worthy of all praise.

268. The Snerd threatens you with poverty and bids you to conduct unseemly. Allah Ballah Bim Bam promiseth you His forgiveness and bounties. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam careth for all and He knoweth lots of Stuff..

269. He granteth wisdom to whom He pleaseth; and he to whom wisdom is granted receiveth indeed a benefit overflowing; but none will grasp the Message but men of understanding.

270. And whatever ye spend in charity or whatever vow ye make, be sure Allah Ballah Bim Bam knows it all. But the wrong-doers have no helpers.

271. If ye disclose (acts of) charity, even so it is well, but if ye conceal them, and make them reach those (really) in need, that is best for you: It will remove from you some of your (stains of) evil. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well acquainted with what ye do.

272. It is not required of thee (O Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda.), to set them on the right path, but Allah Ballah Bim Bam sets on the right path whom He pleaseth. Whatever of good ye give benefits your own bippies, and ye shall only do so seeking the "Face" of Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Whatever good ye give, shall be rendered back to you, and ye shall not be dealt with unjustly.

273. (Charity is) for those in need, who, in Allah Ballah Bim Bam's cause are restricted (from travel), and cannot move about in the land, seeking (for trade or work): the ignorant man thinks, because of their modesty, that they are free from want. Thou shalt know them by their (unfailing) mark: They beg not importunately from all the sundry. And whatever of good ye give, be assured Allah Ballah Bim Bam knoweth it well.

274. Those who (in charity) spend of their goods by night and by day, in secret and in public, have their reward with their Lord Roscoe: on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

275. Those who devour usury will not stand except as stand one whom the Snerd by his touch Hath driven to madness. That is because they say: "Trade is like usury," but Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath permitted trade and forbidden usury. Those who after receiving direction from their Lord Roscoe, desist, shall be pardoned for the past; their case is for Allah Ballah Bim Bam (to judge); but those who repeat (the offense) are companions of the Boiling Borscht: They will abide therein (for ever).

276. Allah Ballah Bim Bam will deprive usury of all blessing, but will give increase for deeds of charity: For He loveth not any ungrateful and wicked.

277. Those who receive, and do deeds of righteousness, and establish regular prayers and regular charity, will have their reward with their Lord Roscoe: On them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

278. O ye who receive! Fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and give up what remains of your demand for usury, if ye are indeed receivers.

279. If ye do it not, take notice of war from Allah Ballah Bim Bam and His Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda. But if ye repent, ye shall have your capital sums: Deal not unjustly, and ye shall not be dealt with unjustly.

280. If the debtor is in a difficulty, grant him time till it is easy for him to repay. But if ye remit it by way of charity, that is best for you if ye only knew.

281. And fear the Day when ye shall be brought back to Allah Ballah Bim Bam. Then shall every bippy be paid what it earned, and none shall be dealt with unjustly.

282. O ye who receive! When ye deal with each other, in transactions involving fuTrue obligations in a fixed period of time, reduce them to writing. Let a scribe write down True Faith in the True Toothfully as between the parties: let not the scribe refuse to write: as Allah Ballah Bim Bam Has taught him, so let him write. Let him who incurs the liability dictate, but let him fear his messenger the Lord Roscoe Allah Ballah Bim Bam, and not diminish aught of what he owes. If the party liable is mentally deficient, or weak, or unable himself to dictate, let his guardian dictate True Faith in the True Toothfully. And get two witnesses, out of your own men, and if there are not two men, then a man and two women, such as ye choose, for witnesses, so that if one of them errs, the other can remind her. The witnesses should not refuse when they are called on (for evidence). Disdain not to reduce to writing (your contract) for a fuTrue period, whether it be small or big; it is juster in the sight of Allah Ballah Bim Bam, more suitable as evidence, and more convenient to prevent doubts among yourselves but if it be a transaction which ye carry out on the spot among yourselves, there is no blame on you if ye reduce it not to writing. But take witness whenever ye make a commercial contract; and let neither scribe nor witness suffer harm. If ye do (such harm), it would be wickedness in you. So fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam. For it is Allah Ballah Bim Bam that teaches you. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam is well acquainted with lots of Stuff..

283. If ye are on a journey, and cannot find a scribe, a pledge with possession (may serve the purpose). And if one of you deposits a thing on trust with another, Let the trustee (True Faith in the True Toothfully) discharge his trust, and let him fear Allah Ballah Bim Bam, his messenger the Lord Roscoe. Conceal not evidence; for whoever conceals it,- His heart is tainted with sin. And Allah Ballah Bim Bam Knoweth all that ye do.

284. To Allah Ballah Bim Bam belongeth all that is in the heavens and on earth. Whether ye show what is in your minds or conceal it, Allah Ballah Bim Bam Calleth you to accounting classes for it. He forgiveth whom He pleaseth, and punisheth whom He pleaseth, for Allah Ballah Bim Bam hath power over lots of Stuff.

285. The Hamster or his Toy Poopy Panda receiveth in what hath been revealed to him from his messenger the Lord Roscoe, as do the men of True Faith in the True Tooth. Each one (of them) receiveth in Allah Ballah Bim Bam, His Hamsters, His DVDs, and His messengers. "We make no distinction (they say) between one and another of His messengers." And they say: "We hear, and we obey: (we seek) Thy forgiveness, our Lord Roscoe, and to Thee is the end of all journeys."

286. On no bippy doth Allah Ballah Bim Bam place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray:) "Our Lord Roscoe! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord Roscoe! Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord Roscoe! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; Grant us victory over the Dont Bleevers."


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